Stepping back

Part of the source of the stress and anxiety I was feeling last week came from feeling overwhelmed by information. And that came from me spending way too much time online, checking my email or Facebook every ten minutes. The result was that I was spending too much time thinking about whatever people emailed me or Facebooked about, and not about the things I wanted to think about. It disturbed me enough that I did a sudden pullback to:

-checking email no more than once per day and for a maximum of an hour (if
needed, I’ll allow myself two shorter sessions, but not totalling more than an
hour).

-not checking Facebook at all. Perhaps I’ll aim for going on for no more than
an hour somewhere between once a week and once a month.

-Checking my work email at four set times through the day.

The result has been an immediate and significant calming. During the stretch until the next email check, there is almost no risk of someone diverting my thoughts to whatever they think is important at the moment. They could always call if it was urgent, but few people (even at work) do so. This gives me the tranquility and the concentration to focus on whatever I want to be thinking about or doing.

What about those dull moments, when I’d check email just for a break from whatever I was working on? Turns out, I have no problem finding other meaningless things to do. I look at upcoming events for the weekend, I write some product reviews for things I’ve purchased, feeling like I owe it to the people who have helped me make good purchases with their reviews, I write emails that I put into a document to send during my once-daily period (the emails I write are based more upon the people and ideas I’m thinking about and prioritizing rather than who writes to me at a given moment), I look into good books and music, for myself and my son. I’m reading more, listening to more news and podcasts, spending better quality time with my son and generally feeling calmer.

Pulling back on information was a technique strongly recommended by The Four Hour Work Week and was something I thought would be good to implement. I tried half-heartedly but never really succeeded.

The greatest challenge is when I’m trying to set something up on short notice and may need to see if the person has responded. Perhaps this will teach me to pick up the phone and communicate more often.

I hope I can maintain it, because right now, with limited information flow, I’m feeling like a calmer and happier person.

Parental involvement in middle school

Thought I’d pass this study along. It analyzes 50 other studies on parental involvement in middle school to find out what kinds of involvement have the strongest association with academic achievement. Turns out, helping with the homework doesn’t help with achievement (which is the opposite of what I would have guessed). But just about every other kind of involvement does. What is especially useful is involvement that reflected academic socialization, which includes setting expectations, relating assignments to current events, encouraging planning for future academic and career paths, etc. Basically, talking to kids about goals and discussing how current activities relate to those goals.

I can imagine that this is where much of the benefits or drawbacks of social class come into play. Mark is going to raise River telling him its good to get a Ph.D. Some kids are never even told they can or should go to college. My parents used to discuss with me plans to become a lawyer, but a Ph.D. was never mentioned and so it wasn’t until well after college that it really appeared to me as a potential option. I was able to look beyond my parents expectation that I attend a community college due to high school guidance counselors that encouraged other options. But others aren’t so lucky. I have a friend who grew up in a rural community, where her parents didn’t ever encourage college and her guidance counselors never mentioned that she could go out of state. It took her a long time to get out of the rut that those low expectations put her in. But I have a lot of respect for the people who come from atmospheres of such little encouragement and go on to build successful lives for themselves.

The irresistable urge to buy books

For the first 18 months of River’s life, I didn’t have much of a desire to buy him anything. Though I occasionally felt like a bad parent compared to my friends who instigated nightly bedtime reading pretty much from birth, we didn’t read much at all for the first six months. And for what we did do, the library was good enough. I didn’t need any clothes or toys beyond what I could get on freecycle or an occasional yard or consignment sale.

So when we set a family budget and I allocated $100/month for River’s discretionary expenses (not including food, medical or education savings), I thought that was pretty generous. Yet, I now find myself overspending and have to take some tough decisions (delay the start of swim lessons, put off his portrait, resist buying things on impulse, like the plastic duck reading a book I paid $6.50 for at the library).

But the one thing I really can’t stop buying is books. I just spent over an hour browsing Amazon and putting book after book in my cart. As I found good ones on Amazon, I would search my local library to see if they had it. If they did, I reserved it. So in addition to a large purchase, I probably also have a big stack of books waiting for me at the library.

With books in English, I don’t feel the need to buy many. There are so many at the library and we also find them for free or cheap, either from people clearing out their garages or at rummage sales. But I can’t find used children’s books in Spanish easily. I get them from the library, but there are only so many. I want him to have close to equal numbers of books in Spanish and English around the house, so that when he picks up a book and asks me to read it to him, I’m not always saying, “That’s a book for daddy to read to you.”

Also, now that we’ve moved beyond the baby books (I’m now reading him books labeled in the age 4-8 range) I’m finding myself loving the stories. The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Where the Wild Things Are, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. It’s wonderful to see the world through a child’s eyes again, and doing so in Spanish gives me a bit of a challenge and the opportunity to learn some new words.

There is no doubt that River loves books, is passionate about them, would happily listen to 15-25 per day. Which is good. Because I don’t mean to project myself upon him. But if I had complete freedom, I’d probably fill the house with as many Spanish stories as I could find.

A new era of documentaries

We let River watch 30-60 minutes of programming per day. Usually it’s from PBS sprout, or it’s an educational DVD in Spanish, such as Plazo Sesamo.

But yesterday, Mark set me up with Spanish language cable. When River saw a program on water, he became excited by the seals. “Focas!” he called out in Spanish, pointing at the TV. He was fixated on the show. Why not let him learn about water, mountains, ice, animals and insects, I thought. So I watched it with him.

It was more interesting for me than the kids shows are. And the Spanish was faster and more sophisticated in the kids shows. An animal appeared that I thought might be a wolf. But then I heard the narrator describe it as a grey fox. “Un zorro gris,” I could tell River, as if I knew. The white birds with black necks floating on the beautiful water? No idea. But then he described them as black necked swans. Great. “Gansos de cuello negro,” I told River. I was learning too.

Mark has been on my case for years to replace my reality-show staples with something more educational. I’ve resisted because the moments when I’m watching reality TV are usually when I’m tired and I don’t feel like taking in knowledge. But if this is River’s TV time, why not learn something with him.

So I waved the DVR wand and recorded a bunch of animal and nature programs, as well as one on major construction. We watched the first today, a Discovery program about a Spanish guy who rescues chimpanzees from Angola and brings them to a reserve in South Africa. It was a little more mature that I might have liked for River. We saw the chimpanzees living in difficult conditions as well as the scary process of tranquilizing them. But he seemed interested and his attention didn’t waver for the 20 minutes I let him watch it.

Mark grew up on documentaries, so he feels he’s already seen them all. I grew up on Sesame Street and Wild Kingdom. I guess this is one of the fun parts of parenting – the opportunity to have a second chance to learn things all over again.

Research overload

I’m tired. My brain is tired. Today only, I had to wonder about when
to take the little one to the dentist, whether I made the right
decision to get the H1N1. I wondered why I felt so sluggish and down.
Besides the fact that I feel conflicted between the helpful advice I
get from parent groups and this yucky feeling of spending my time
debating with people who are way too into their kids, I realized that
I spend a heck of a lot of time looking stuff up, as I imagine the
other parents who ask these questions or enter these debates do too.

Which diaper is best? Which bottle is safe? What are the hazards of a
used crib or carseat and do they outweigh the cost savings? Which
vaccines to get and when? How long to breastfeed? How to handle
discipline? What type of development to expect at which stage? When
to go to preschool? What kind of preschool?

Whew. I’m tired. I do wish for some kind of expert panel I could
trust that would let me know what they recommend and that I could
follow wholeheartedly. Of course, I’m interested in finding out the
answers to these questions so that I can make the best decisions for
my son. But is this really the best way to spend my time? Maybe I’d
do better putting in those hours doing better at work, so that I could
better provide for him.

I also don’t like the feeling, though I admit it might be self-inflicted, of having to defend a decision one takes. Not only do I have to research, I have to explain my decision and read why others might have chosen otherwise, which leads me back into either more
research or self doubt.

I know what I probably need to do is turn it off. Stop subscribing to
the parent groups, stop reading the blogs, stop getting into dialogues with people on these topics. Tim Ferriss recommends severely limiting media intake – something that I think would probably reduce my stress level greatly, as well as perhaps my knowledge of current events.

Why don’t I do it? Unfortunately, I have a penchant for finding out
facts. I like to understand situations, to make decisions based on
data. I also like and appreciate that rare little nugget that comes
through during the discussions – a good place for a hair cut for
example or a special event or discount.

Another factor is that I find it harder to concentrate than I did
before. When I need a quick break from whatever I’m focusing on
(which seems to be every 5-10 minutes) I take a look at the email.

Anyone have any advice on how to cut down or cut back and still stay
relatively informed? I sometimes feel like I hear these internet
debates in my head. I’d like to fill that space with something more
substantial or less stressful.

First dental visit

There is a woman in one of the mom’s groups I belong to whose husband
specializes in pediatric oral health. She is urging everyone in the
group to get their kiddos to the dentist and says that dentists who
recommend waiting to age 3 (like mine) or 4, just don’t like
interacting with young kids.

These are some of the major dental organization guidelines she passed along:

The American Academy of Pediatric Dentists (AAPD) policy says "the
first dental visit should occur shortly after the first tooth erupts
and no later than the child’s first birthday."

The American Dental Association (ADA) policy says the first dental
visit should occur "within six months of the eruption of the first
tooth, and no later than the child's first birthday."

The Academy of general Dentistry (AGD) policy says "a child’s first
visit to the dentist should occur within six months of the eruption of
the first tooth.”

I was surprised to not see any questioning, or any explanation of the rationale behind the guidelines. I felt like a cynical crank when I pointed out that earlier
visits = more patients = more money for the dentists. It’s in their
self interest to promote people coming in as soon and as often as they
can. Shortly after the first tooth erupts? Are you kidding? For
what?

She took her own daughter at 20 months and cited the benefits of
getting a really cool toothbrush and getting used to sitting in the
chair. For $150 and the time it would take me to make the appointment
and bring him? Sorry. River will get used to sitting in the chair when
the time comes because he has to. I don’t think it will traumatize
him.

Unless someone can show me some evidence that a kid who eats a healthy
diet and brushes once a day is at some serious risk of dental disease
if he doesn’t get to the dentist before age 3, I think I’ll listen to
my dentist, and not these guidelines. It does make me sad though that
I feel so little confidence in U.S. medical association guidelines.
Though I feel very cynical compared to these hyper-concerned moms, who
are willing to jump at whatever an expert says, I am a little more
active on this front than Mark. When I told him I thought we should
start making a habit of River brushing once a day, he asked “Why?
Those teeth are all going to fall out anyway.”

When did you make your first pediatric dental visit? When you do think it makes sense?

Doctors who don't support H1N1 vaccine

I feel like I’m in the minority when people on the mom’s list I belong
to seem to be in a choir of wanting the vaccine, and wanting it fast.
Their doctors seem to advise the same.

I had been hesitant about the thought of getting it. It doesn’t seem
to be life-threatening to those without underlying health issues,
River has gotten a lot of vaccines in the first two years and I’d
rather not add an extra unless needed, we both had some type of flu
in September, which makes me think we could have had it already, and
River doesn’t spend a lot of time around other kids, where germs can
be easily spread. But the long lines of people eager for it give it a
more desirable air. I wondered if I was wrong to not want it.

So when I called my doctor to make a two-year-old check up appointment
and asked about the vaccine, I admit I felt slightly relieved when I
was told that their office is not giving it and doesn’t recommend it
except for children with chronic health problems. “It’s too new and
all the potential effects have not been tested,” the receptionist told
me when I asked why they weren’t recommending it. I later read the FDA packaging, which states that effects are not known in pregnant woman and children under the age of 4.

The doctors in this practice are primarily foreign born (Russian and
Indian), so perhaps they aren’t as subject to jumping on the U.S.
medical advice bandwagon. They do support vaccines in general. While
they supported my desire to get River vaccinated one at a time, they
do provide other patients with the usual vaccines on schedule.

It’s a hard decision to make and I know I might well make another
decision under other circumstances (such as if I was pregnant). I know
I could also regret it if River gets a horrible, painful case of H1N1.

In the meantime, I feel slightly better to not just being going with
my gut, but to have a doctor’s opinion behind my decision, even if she
is in the minority.