River can find his way home

The other day, we were headed home down the block. Without directing him, River turned in on the path to our house and headed up the front steps. It was so cool to think that he knew which house was his. Today, coming home from the opposite direction, he did the same thing.

Each little evidence of brain wiring is an exciting movement – from the first time he answered my question by bringing me a shirt when I asked where his clothes were, to his first correct verbal response, to various signs of memory. But for some reason, knowing where his house is really strikes me. At only 18 months, he already has both a sense of direction and of home. That makes me happy.

Can you like a friend but not their baby?

Recently, a dear friend visited from far away. She came together with her baby and spent several days with us. It had been years since I saw this friend and I was glad to see her, as well as to meet her baby. But as one day passed into the next, my friend and I caught up, we did lots of fun things, I didn’t find myself bonding with her baby.

The baby was skinny, squirmy, physically unstable and full of complaints. She’d smile occasionally, but never belly laughed, never seemed truly happy. She didn’t inspire an instinct to cuddle or to comfort. She screamed so much that even River got annoyed, screaming back at her as though to say “shut up!” She’d scream at him, as though to say, “Don’t tell me what to do!” and this wonderful symphony continued in the car for a good hour.

I felt bad that I didn’t feel a bond with this baby. I realized that perhaps it’s the wonder of nature that cause parents to bond with kids that others can’t feel the connection to. Mark thought that perhaps I was put off that my friend didn’t seem to bond with River – who probably seemed huge, massive and stocky in comparison with her baby.

On the last day, my friend put the baby in the pack and play, right in front of me, as I was trying to get some work done. She needed some time to pack. Very soon, the baby, who demanded constant attention, began to whine, then to poop, then to cry. With other babies, I might have picked them up, played with them, interacted with them. But with this one, I really didn’t have the inclination, terrible though that might be.

Perhaps, I recalled, this was why some of my friends didn’t rush to pick River up, to hold him, to spend time with him when he was young. Of course I expected them to because I thought he was wonderful. Perhaps the parent is unique in thinking their child exquisite while the rest of the world looks on dispassionately.

Have you been in a similar situation, where you love a friend, but feel no connection to their baby? How did you handle it?

Yikes, the toddler has appeared

I read in the helpful manual to boys, It’s a Boy, that 18-21 months is a common period for boys to declare their independence and separate themselves from their parents. I’d been seeing this independence for a while. But to date, it had been expressed in a friendly, loving way. He wanted a little more freedom, I granted it to him, he was happy, sweet, and kind.

But in the past week or so, since the MMR, a new phase has appeared. Now, he’s distinctly unhappy to hear no. He throws a tantrum a good 2-3 times a day – crying, arching his back, falling to the ground. One day he was so upset when I put him back in the stroller that he writhed until he fell out through the bottom of the stroller, hitting his head on the stroller. I had never strapped him in before because there was no need to. Until he started throwing tantrums.

This stage is even harder on Mark. Since River is currently showing a strong preference for mom (except when I’m not around, then he’s fine with Mark), Mark gets the tantrums without the love.

Parenting is a fascinating journey. Just when it becomes easy, just when you think you’ve got it down, they enter a new stage and everyone has to adjust again. It keeps us on our toes.

The MMR

The result of the MMR was:
• A red rash that looks like measles on his knee and down the leg. This lasted more than a week.
• A reddened face
• Soreness, tiredness, crankiness.
• This may well be correlation, rather than causation, but just after the MMR began his first real angry temper tantrums.

After seeing the effects, it’s clear to me that it’s a powerful shot. I think even Mark wishes he could go back and separate the shots. I kind of wished my concerns would be proven wrong and that he would have no effects from the shot. Since that didn’t happen, I do regret that we got it, especially combined with tetanus (which is a painful one too). I’m glad we waited a little longer than usual. With a future child, I would try to separate it. Or at the very minimum, would not combine it with another shot.

Friends are having second babies already

Today I received a birth announcement from a pre-natal yoga buddy who had her first child around the time River was born. She had her second child this week.

She told me about her pregnancy at River’s first birthday party, as did another friend with a child of the same age (she’ll give birth next month). A third friend, whose son is one month older than River, is also expecting. At the time that I found out about the first two pregnancies, I felt a slight quiver of jealousy, as well as being happy for them. There was a short period around the end of breastfeeding where I was willing to take a risk. I knew that getting pregnant then wouldn’t be ideal, but I figured we’d managed.

Now I want to thank the stars that I didn’t risk too much. I can’t imagine having a second child right now. I can’t imagine going through pregnancy and childbirth again anytime soon. Things are now just becoming fun and easy. I’m enjoying it. My body is mine again. I have no desire to either suffer the physical discomforts of pregnancy, nor to deny River the individual attention I can give him at this exciting stage of discovery in his life.

I’d like more children in the future, but it’s more of a distant wish. Right now, there is no immediate urge, even when I see baby pictures. It’s nice to be present within myself, for Mark and for River. I like the balance I now have.

Did you experience a longing for another child? How long after you had your first?

MMR

Ever since River’s miserable two-month checkup, when he got five vaccines at once and had the worst day of his life, we’ve been getting only one shot at a time. I’ve read the evidence citing that MMRs are not linked with autism. However, I still wanted to separate it. I’m still concerned about possible immune system overload and I figured since we have the time and the money, we might as well play it safe.

Since River is now a strapping little toddler, I thought we could move up from one shot per visit to two. So when Mark took him for his 18-month checkup today, I suggested he get two shots, but only one live one.

I thought he might get measles as the live one. Instead, poor River came home having receiving the MMR (!!) and tetanus. Mark said it was the worst experience of his life having to hold River’s arms and legs down on the table, having to see the tears flow and the look of betrayal in his eyes that dad would allow such pain not only once, but twice. I’m sad that he had, in effect, four vaccines in one day. He’s sleeping them off right now and I’m crossing my fingers that there will be no effect.

A surprise find

In digging through the freezer, I came across a surprising discovery – six bags of frozen breastmilk. The sensation was one of weirdness. That is my body fluid in the freezer, I thought. How strange.

I remembered back to the days of collecting and storing it, of stressing about it, of managing my life around it. It seems like another era entirely.

Overall, I’m glad I did it. When we saw other babies develop crawling, walking and speech skills more quickly than River, we thought he was going to be of average intelligence. But lately, we’re seeing signs that perhaps he might be smart after all (he has very high levels of empathy). If breastmilk does in fact add up to five IQ points, I’m now thinking those will come in handy.

At the same time, I’m so glad it’s over. It’s so nice to not have liquid leaking from my breasts. It’s so nice to not have to attach myself to a machine. It’s great that anyone can meet River’s need for nutrition and I no longer need to plan my life around it.

However, remembering how much work it took to get that stuff out, I wasn’t about to throw it away. Who knows how old it was – a year? More? Less? I figured he’d reject it if he didn’t like it. But, like usual, he didn’t react at all. Sustenance is sustenance and he doesn’t seem to care whether it comes from a breast or a cow or a can.