Surrounded by Babies

This afternoon, Mark and I sat outside a Reykjavik café, drinking hot chocolate and eating waffles with jam and cream. A gay pride festival is taking place and the streets were crowded with Icelandic families coming to see the parade and the concert. Parents pushed babies in prams that are like portable wombs. They carried them on their shoulders. Some toddlers rode bicycles, or sat in bike trailers. They carried rainbow flags and sucked on rainbow lollipops. Their older siblings wore rainbow colored luaus. I hardly saw any signs of homosexual couples or families. I saw only a unified acceptance and a normalcy involved in taking the children to the gay pride festivities, even with a pole dancer in the parade.

This made me want to live in a more European progressive country. It made me want to bring River to such a parade and for him to take in events promoting the homosexual lifestyle as nothing out of the ordinary. I want him, like the Icelanders there, to accept homosexuals as nothing better or worse than himself, as people with an equal right to pursue their life dreams.

As stroller after wide stroller pumped into my chair on the sidewalk, even Mark was struck by the number of little children on the street and the elaborate means of conveying them. It seems to be often the father who pushes the stroller or who wears the baby backpack. We heard baby babble and children’s voices on all sides of us.

“It’s hard to believe there are so many little babies here,” Mark said.

I didn’t think there were necessarily more children per capita. However, it seems that the people are much more willing to take their small children into public and that the public welcomes them. In the National Museum, an interactive section had all kinds of interesting hands-on activities for kids and adults, who might otherwise be bored in a historical museum. Restaurants have play corners. There are changing areas almost everywhere. Airports and museums have strollers on hand for visitors to use, for free.

Looking at all these babies of course makes us think of our little River. I spoke to him by phone last night and he said “mama,” a single word that filled my heart with joy. But he didn’t say it with longing, but rather curious interest. As I continued to speak to my father, I could hear him happily babbling in the background. He seems to be doing just fine without us.

Seeing all the little babies is also awakening a nascent desire for another. Not now, not yet. But someday I’d like to have that experience again. Our travel companion on this trip said that in Sweden, more educated families tend to have less children, because they want to do other things in life. I don’t know if it’s possible, but I want to have it all. I want to have children and a loving family and have a life full of rich experiences. We’ll see whether or not it can be done.

The benefits of a little dirt

According to this NY Times article, perhaps a little dirt isn’t so bad for baby after all. I admit I felt I was admitting to being a bad mother when I wrote this post on how I’m fairly liberal about what I let River put in his mouth. Now I feel slightly less guilty.

Baby's First Halloween

We made it through River’s first Halloween pretty successfully I think. At 5:15 we made a short loop around our block to say hi to the neighbors. At 6 my Pakistani friend Hina came over with her 3-year-old son Nasir. It was Nasir’s first time trick-or treating. He wore a beautiful golden Pakistani shirt with loose white pants and carried an Elmo trick or treat basket. River was a Winnie the Pooh.

We walked over to the Nobel Prize winner’s house, where River got a Reese’s peanut butter cup. I separated it from the rest of the candy, as though I could do something special with it. We did take a picture of him at the door with this man, who was dressed up as the famous person who used to inhabit his house. I guess I can take a picture of River with the peanut butter cup and later tell him who it came from.

It was so much fun watching Nasir trick or treat. At the beginning, he couldn’t even say trick or treat. When he came to our house, he disregarded my offers of candy in his excitement to say hi to the baby. It didn’t take him long to learn though the magic that “trick-or-treat” could bring. He was soon running so fast toward the houses and up to the front porches that he fell at least twice. But he had a great time and so did his mom, who thanked me for urging them to join us.

They have been having a very rough time because they have been forced to be separated from Hina’s husband (and Nasir’s father). Both Hina and her husband were Fulbright scholars. Her husband did an MBA and Hina is working on her Ph.D., both at Ivy League universities. Fulbright rules require recipients to return to their home countries for two years after finishing their degree. The purpose is to offer their skills to their home country. Which is all well and fine. Unless you have a wife who is not done with her degree yet. You think they might offer him an extension and let him stay with his wife and young son until she finishes her degree. Nope. He was forced to go back and the family is separated by thousands of miles. These are brilliant people who want to return to Pakistan. They are integrated into American life, speak perfect English, can be wonderful ambassadors between the two countries. And then the program that is supposed to help relations pays no attention to a family’s desire to be together. I digress, but I think it’s really sad and made the Halloween fun all the more special for this little boy who has just lost his father.

One of many interesting features of my town is that there are multi-million dollar houses located just blocks from what is locally referred to as “the ghetto” or “the barrio.” This area is not bad as far as ghettos or barrios go, but it is the poorest area of town. We were having dinner there, so on the way, we stopped at a couple of multi-million dollar houses just for the fun of approaching places we normally don’t come near. The residents of the street we walked down did a great job on decorations. One house offered us small cups of merlot. Most of them gave out the same snickers, Reese’s peanut butter cups and Milky Ways as everyone else. They had hordes of kids coming by, some of whom were pretty grabby.

We continued walking to the barrio, where we had pizza with Hina. Nasir had passed out from the excitement and slept in his stroller all through dinner. River remained intrigued. He liking holding his plastic pumpkin.

We had a 15-20 minute walk home and that was tough for River, since it was way past his bedtime and (bad parents) we’d lost his bottle on the walk. But he’d held up well until then and seemed to have fun. We got some nice pictures – his first trick or treating, him at the door with a famous guy, pictures with our friends and other fun shots. When we got home he sat on the potty and pulled his loot out of the pumpkin one piece at a time. We won’t be letting him eat it, but I was glad he got the enjoyment of emptying it!

All the walking ending up being good for the parents. I counted 15,000 steps on my pedometer. Hopefully that will neutralize some of the negative effects of the weekend candy consumption.

I’m pretty excited to be back in the Halloween swing of things after a 20 year or so absence. I realize it will be an important holiday for us for at least the next 10-15 years. And I’m cool with that. I think it’s a fun celebration and I look forward to our family actively participating.

Halloween and Babies

Following up on yesterday’s post, I’m thinking about what to do on the real Halloween, October 31st. Up until the family Halloween party, I didn’t think we’d do anything. Maybe hand out some candy at home.

Seeing how much fun River had with the festivities and the ghoulish items made me think he’d enjoy more than sitting at home. I thought I’d take him treat-or-treating. The idea hadn’t occurred to me before, but hey, we have a costume, we have the time, we have plenty of houses in our neighborhood and I haven’t been trick or treating in about 20 years. I’d enjoy it too.

I was all excited about my plan, until I saw some people grousing online that they don’t like it when adults with a baby come to their door because they think they just want free candy. Granted, my income is low at the moment. But my husband’s is decent and if I really wanted candy, I could buy it at bargain prices shortly after Halloween.

Basically, I want to have a fun time with River. I want to have pictures of his first time trick or treating. I’m not sure whether we’ll still be living here next year, but this is an amazing place for a first trick-or-treating experience – safe streets, lots of kids, some fantastic houses to visit. One house within walking distance looks like the Munsters and I know of at least one Nobel Prize winner who will be handing out candy.

So, what would you do if you had a sociable, friendly almost 11-month-old who cannot say trick-or-treat, nor eat the candy, but would probably have a blast being out with other kids, meeting people, and having things dropped in his pumpkin?

Baby social networking

A recent article in the New York Times wrote about new sites that provide social networking for babies – kind of like Facebook for minors. I wrote to an internet parent group I belong to to see if anyone had tried it. Some people said they had set up blogs for their children (allowed invited readers only) but no one had tried these sites.

I decided to take a look. I signed up for two sites, totspot.com and kidmondo.com.

Kidmondo was sleek and had a lot of tools (like growth charts and a dental record), but I had some difficulties with the process and I felt the emphasis was on eventually selling me a baby book. I like that a baby book is available – it allows a child’s first year to be recorded just through the day to day updates a parent provides to friends and family, but I’d rather that be an available service rather than the focus.

Totspot also had it’s glitches in starting up. But I liked the easy to access feedback form on the bottom of the screen and the fact that they seemed to value receiving feedback. This made me think they were working to make it a site that meets the needs of parents. I also liked the kid-friendly color scheme, the answers to questions that parents might be concerned about, and the fact that I didn’t feel they’d be trying to get money from me anytime soon.

I spent the bulk of last weekend setting up River’s page – entering his firsts, writing his favorites, putting up photos and videos. I then sent a link to the grandparents to see what they thought. I wanted to know whether they preferred this format, which requires the initiative to log in and see what River is up to, or whether they’d prefer the bi-monthly link to photos online.

Mark’s parents have yet to try it. My parents gave it a thumbs down. Of course, they’ve never used Facebook, so they found some of the features difficult. By this point though, I’d spent so much time making the darn page I wasn’t yet ready to abandon it.

So I invited the rest of the family and friends. One week later, only a small number of those invited have followed through on the invitation. Even my husband hasn’t joined because he didn’t like having to register and provide personal information. Most of those who have joined are in their 20s and 30s, users of Facebook, and they seem to think it’s cool. Three of my friends already have pages up for their kids since I sent the first email. Even my parents, who gave it an original thumbs down, have returned to view updates and may be getting the hang of it. At this point, I’m enjoying seeing my child’s “friends’” (or the children of my friends) pages, so I’m probably in for the long-run.

So far, here’s my impressions of the pros and cons of baby social networking sites;

Pros:

• It’s private. Only the people you invite can see your child’s information. And unlike Facebook, where you can sometimes click through to friends of your friends, you can’t on totspot.
• After the initial time investment involved in setting up the page, it only takes moments per day to keep it updated.
• The frequent updates allow people who care about the child to have a much more detailed glimpse into what is happening in their lives. This is especially useful for relatives who live far away.
• It is an easy way to store information for a future baby book or other record-keeping of your child’s life.
• Totspot sends an email when any child you are linked to updates their profile, so you have a reminder to come back and check when there is something new.
• The child-friendly tools, like the growth charts/dental charts/record of firsts are fun

Cons:

• Having to sign in and register is a big barrier for a lot of people who already have a million user names and passwords.
• On totspot, for now, you have to upload your videos via youtube or another video service. This requires setting up an account there, and you have to make your videos public in order for the link to work. Therefore, while your videos don’t have a name or identifying information on them, they are no longer private.
• Unlike a personal blog, which you have more control over, you never know when the site owner may decide to change the format, limit stored information, etc.

Fleeting Time

I know it’s way too early, but I find myself already feeling afraid of River’s growing up. I know it will happen, I know it’s inevitable, I know it’s best for him, for my descendents, for society, perhaps for me.

I think how he’ll have no memory of this time. Some of the most meaningful and special months of my life, during which we have a close and loving intimacy, will disappear into his oblivion.

I hear with some frequency women looking at River and telling me to enjoy the time.

“My baby is 6 foot 1,” one said.

“And mine 6’3,” her friend said.

“My baby is 19,” a real estate agent told me last weekend. “It happens in the blink of an eye.”

I know they are right and I do want to treasure this time. But treasure as I might, I can’t hold it still. I can’t enjoy it any longer than the time itself.

Yesterday I watched college students, probably on the men’s track team, running down the street. They wore shorts and ran bare-chested. Looking at their rippling muscles, their long and lean strengths, I thought back to the women who bore them, who nursed them, who fed them twenty or so years ago.

There is a group of women out there who will always see these strong young men as their babies. They will remember the sight of the boys’ naked little butts on the changing table. They’ll recall the feeling of small arms around their neck and slobbery kisses. When they offer their sons hugs or refer to them as their babies, their son’s probably say, “Oh mom,” and then look for escape.

Looking at them, I saw my future and River’s future. I’ll be happy for him to be strong and healthy and athletic. I want him to grow up into a confident, independent person. But I also want to hold this time near. And I mourn the fact that we’ll never be able to recall it together.

What Happened to the Little Smile Machine?

In the past week or so, River has lost his perpetual smile. He used to have very limited emotions – smiling, panting at approaching food and crying. Now he’s expanded his repertoire. He’s become more serious and seems to be trying to analyze how things work – such as staring at the fan going back and forth and back and forth. But what has concerned us is the negative nature of some of his emotions.

The first to appear was the huff, in which he purses his lips and hyperventilates through his nose. This is clearly a sign of frustration. He does it whenever he wants to express disapproval – of a food, an activity or not getting what he wants. This morning, for the first time, he rejected the breakfast choices with clear disdain, then crying – first the minestrone (which I could understand he’d be sick of), then yogurt. He accepted a piece of toasted wholegrain bread to gnaw on.

Mark hates the huff. “It’s as though he’s telling me I’m an inadequate parent,” he says. “We have to do something about this or we’re going to have a difficult, demanding child.”

I’m also concerned because I don’t know at what point to draw the line between meeting a child’s needs and making sure they learn that the entire world isn’t there to give them what they want. I feel like everyone gets angry and frustrated at times, babies probably more so because they aren’t able to communicate. His huffs do indicate what he wants/needs.

I had read that you can’t spoil a baby in the first few months. I had also read that one-on-one attention was good for babies during the first year. So we’ve basically been letting him run the show, have responded to his needs when they arise and have bathed him in individual attention since the day he was born. Luckily, he’s been pretty easy to please and undemanding, as long as he has a consistent supply of food.

Last night I spent a lot of time catching up on my What to Expect in the First Year. I’d left off somewhere around month six. It did say that babies are frustrated by not being able to communicate. It also said this is the time to teach a baby that other people have needs too. It gave advice on how to get a baby used to spending some time alone while you do other things.

I imagine that part of the crankiness is due to teething. River’s first tooth is on the way. It does seem that now might be a good time to bring someone else into the picture – to give him a chance to play with another child and to balance his needs with those of another child. We’re looking into the possibility of sharing our babysitter with a little girl of River’s age.

After a couple of months of feeling we pretty much had the hang of this, a new stage begins to challenge us afresh and send me back to the books. Now that I’m blogging, perhaps readers will also be able to offer advice.

The Gift of Naps

I love River. Very much. But I love him even more since he started to take naps a few weeks ago.

River’s energy could allow him to get through 10 hours of wakefulness with a 20 minute snooze. This worked great for traveling. But it didn’t allow his caregivers much rest.

With the swing, the fantastic wonderful swing, he got some sleep and we got a break. But it was located in the middle of our living space. If we didn’t want to wake him up, we couldn’t move around much. This also meant that at home, he took good naps. But it was a different story while traveling. No swing or willing lap – no nap.

A few weeks ago he started to get tired at 10 a.m. and slept a good two hours. Then another nap in the afternoon. Heaven.

Last week, as he neared the weight limit on the swing and a new babysitter was about to start, we decided we had to teach him to nap in the crib. I expected the lack of motion would mean short naps. I mourned my lack of quiet time. But to my surprise, he slept two hours, three, even more.

Now life feels easy. After morning time together and a walk, he sleeps, I have time, I can move around. He wakes up, babysitter arrives. In the past, he would always go to sleep just when the babysitter arrived, making us pay someone to watch him sleep and making my mornings with him very long.

The secret is: a couple of toys in the crib and a bottle. I breastfeed him until he is asleep, sleepy, or I’m out of milk. Should I put him down, he wakes up and throws a fit. But I give him a bottle and he drinks enough to knock himself out. We are both happy.

Babies and the Elderly

The other day, while approaching an airline check-in counter, the attendant smiled upon seeing River attached to my back.

“Why is it that when they are babies we think being toothless and hairless and helpless is cute, but we look at those differently when people are old?” she asked, bringing up a subject I’d been thinking about myself.

“I don’t know. Perhaps we need to change our perspective,” I said.

I think one reason people are more accepting of helplessness in babies than in the elderly is that with babies, the situation only gets better. Every day they learn and develop and pick up more and more skills and abilities along the way. There is also a pretty clear timeline. People can more or less expect that by a certain age, most babies will possess certain skills.

Whereas in the elderly, it goes in the opposite direction, with people losing capabilities with time and caregivers not knowing how long the decline will take.

Seeing River’s helplessness has made me remember that life is a continuum, that everyone will move up on the learning curve, stay steady, and then trend downwards. Of course everyone would like to maintain their abilities. But I don’t think we should look upon a lack of teeth, trouble eating, communicating, urinating or defecating among the elderly as gross things. But rather, a chance to provide that person with the care they probably bestowed on others during their lifetime. A chance to respect them for who they are and to help them to move through the last phase of life with dignity rather than embarrassment.

People love babies in San Jose

The hotel staff at the Adventure Inn in San Jose, Costa Rica continue on with their work while holding River.