Birthday party madness

Today a colleague asked my opinion on birthday planning for her soon-to-be three year old. She feels obligated to invite all ten kids in her son’s preschool room, even though he just moved up to preschool and barely knows them. She also thinks she needs to invite another ten kids from an adjacent preschool class who share a room. She was saying that her son gets overwhelmed in the big party places, but didn’t know where she could hold a party for 20 kids that wasn’t overwhelming.

While we have attended most of the parties we’ve been invited to, and some have been at formal facilities, we have never thrown one ourselves. So I don’t think I was of much help. I told her I’ve also been thinking of how to celebrate River’s third birthday. I found myself torn between wanting to limit it to three kids, per his age, as I’d like to stick with, between wanting to foster interaction with Spanish-speaking kids, between wanting to see some of my own friends with kids, and wondering how to navigate the kids who speak Spanish vs. the kids who speak English option.

I’ve also been feeling like we haven’t seen our own friends enough lately, but I’m not up for throwing an adult party and a birthday party in the final months of my pregnancy. So my most recent idea was to have a brunch for our friends, ask them to contribute a dish instead of a gift, and have birthday cake and ice cream at the end. It would be a bigger crowd than we’d otherwise have for a party, but I think River would be satisfied, there would be lots of kids to play with, he wouldn’t end up with a pile of presents, we’d get to see our friends, and my preparation would be limited to making a cake and an entrée and getting the house in order. Since the focus would be on adults, I wouldn’t have to worry about organizing things for the kids. Mark is OK with this idea, so it’s currently the frontrunner. I do want it to be special for River, but have been thinking of making it special mainly via the cake and perhaps some decorations.

I suggested a smaller, lower-key play center to my friend, saying perhaps her son would be less overwhelmed there. She said she was concerned that without organized games, the older kids in his class, almost four years old, would be bored, despite the room full of toys to play with.

“But isn’t the focus on your child on his birthday?” I asked. “Who cares if a couple of kids from his daycare don’t think it’s the best party they’ve ever been to?”

She seemed to be torn. She mentioned that she hasn’t seen her friends with kids enough recently either, but that inviting them plus the preschool classmates would be too many guests. Otherwise, she could only invite them if enough preschool classmates declined and there was room.

I’m just glad I’m not facing that stress. I admit, I’ve been to some places where I’ve thought it would be cool to have a party, like the children’s museum we recently visited. But if we do that someday, I want it to be because it’s special for River and because it’s worth the money, not because an institution has set a norm that every kid is supposed to throw some big party and invite everyone, whether they know him and care about him or not.

This is when I’m glad we’re in a low-income preschool. Just to attend the parties of 20 classmates and bring 20 gifts can be a real financial burden, not to mention hosting a party or multiplying this all by two or three or more for families with more than one child. I feel a bit guilty sending River to school with a $40 lunchbox, knowing that most of the kids in his class can’t afford something like that.

A Mexican mother told me how sad her kindergartener is because his classmates throw these big parties. Since he can’t afford to match them, and is ashamed of doing something smaller, he does nothing at all for his birthday. I see no reason to set up those expectations for toddlers.

I know the pressure may hit us one day, or perhaps just the temptation of letting someone else handle the work. In the meantime, I’m glad to know that even though I’ll be full-term pregnant by River’s birthday, we can escape the party madness for one more year.

How do you set norms and expectations for parties in your family? How do you decide how many to invite and where and how to host it? If there is a tendency to invite the whole class and you have resisted that, have there been any negative repercussions?

An unexpected invitation to a party

We went to visit a friend with a 5-week old baby today and took a walk to a small park by her house. Though it was only 9:30 a.m. and threatening rain, there were several children there playing already.

When we arrived, a woman approached River and asked if he’d like a birthday hat.
“He’s not a member of your party,” Mark said.

“That’s OK,” she said. “We don’t want him to feel left out.”

So he played on his own while wearing a colorful cone hat. When the rain seemed imminent, we decided to leave. The party-goers also left, to a table set up under the awning of an old train station, where they had cupcakes and train-shaped cakes. Mark tried to lead River off the main sidewalk so that we wouldn’t pass so close to the cake, so that it wouldn’t be such a temptation.

But the same lady who offered him the hat approached again. “Would you like to join us for cake and cupcakes and to sing happy birthday?” she asked.

So River stood in the group of strangers and sang happy birthday to a child he didn’t know. I don’t think it mattered to him that he didn’t know anyone. For him, the birthday song and birthday cake is probably one of the most anticipation-filled moments in his life. Then he walked away with a train-shaped cake, chocolate licorice, Kit-Kats and a goody bag.

I was very surprised, though pleasantly so, at how these strangers welcomed him into the celebration. I suppose we won’t need to worry about birthday party in park protocol. With two December birthdays, it’s highly unlikely we’ll ever have a party outdoors. But for those who celebrate in summer, what do you do when you celebrate in a public space? Is it common to welcome children who happen to be nearby? Or was this lady exceptionally nice?

No presents

I feel pretty strongly that birthday parties have gotten pretty crazy and that there is too much emphasis put on spending money and receiving presents and goody bags, over having fun and celebrating as friends. I figured I’d try to do my share by keeping our parties small and requesting no presents. When I request no presents, I mean it. I’d really prefer that people not bring presents. When they don’t, I think that is great.

So why am I having a hard time following my beliefs when other people request no presents? We were recently invited to a small party (only 2 kids invited) that we ended up not being able to make. The mom requested no presents, or perhaps a used toy. This child is one of River’s buds, so I wanted to give him something, even if it was used. I wanted, on behalf of River, to express a sentiment of friendship and appreciation. We ended up buying him a $3 gift (token, but something nonetheless) on our roadtrip.

We’re invited to another party next weekend, that will be held at a play center. It’s being held jointly by two sets of parents. One little girl is sweet and she came to River’s party (and appropriately, she didn’t bring a present). I don’t know the little boy at all.

I think the idea of a joint party is great. The parents can split the costs of the rental facility. But one of my first thoughts was – what do you do about presents? Do we have to buy one for the kid we don’t know? I wasn’t going to, but wondered if it would be uncomfortable.

Then the invitation came and it said no presents, they just want their kids to spend time together with friends. My sentiments exactly. So why do I feel so uncomfortable about not bringing something?

Am I afraid that everyone else will bring a present and I will be embarrassed? Do I feel guilty that they are spending money renting a place that River would normally have to pay $10 to enter and feel a present would be a contribution to that? Do I want to express the fact that we like this little girl?

It does help to remember that they came to our party, they followed my request to not bring a present, and my opinion of them has nothing to do with that. In fact, I respect that they honored my request and I really respect that they are focusing their childrens’ celebrations on friendship rather than on material things. But still, strangely enough, I’m finding that I’m struggling a bit to step back and say, OK, we’ll go without a present, and we’ll show our friendship and appreciation by being there for her special event and spending time with her.

A Smash Cake?

Today I saw for the first time the noun “smash cake.” When I googled it, I found people using it very comfortably, such as: See the video of Connor with his smash cake.
I then watched the video and saw a baby diving head first into an entire cake, while the party guests laughed.

I wondered why I hadn’t heard of this term, so I was glad to find this definition:
“Smash Cake is the precious tradition of baking your one-year-old birthday child her very own cake that she can do whatever she likes with…mainly it makes for a great photo that will be treasured for years to come. Often people make two cakes on the first birthday occasion…one to share with friends and family that looks beautiful and may match the party theme and a second one with the birthday child’s name on it that is meant to be destroyed by her.”

This idea did not appeal to me. It reminds me of the “tradition” of the bride and groom smashing cake into each other’s face, a tradition that neither my husband or I think is funny and we quickly agreed to nix that tradition from our wedding. But a poor baby doesn’t even have a say in the matter, he’s just made a fool of and then reminded of it when he grows up.

I don’t have a problem with letting a child dive into a piece of cake. Since they haven’t mastered eating skills yet, of course it will make a mess, like everything else they eat. But I can’t see the sense in buying another cake entirely for this purpose. What’s the problem with cutting a slice of cake for baby and then letting him/her do what they want with it? Or what about serving cupcakes so everyone gets an individual dserving they can manage as they please?

This seems to me to be a concept thought up by somebody who wants to bring extra income to bakers and cake retailers. It also seems to be a waste of food and money since no one is going to want to eat the rest of the “smash cake” after the baby has goobered all over it.

I haven’t decided whether we’ll have a one-year birthday party at all. I’m leaning toward putting the effort and expenses into good parties when he’s old enough to recognize and enjoy them. I’m pretty sure we won’t have cake, since we’re trying to keep him off of refined sugars until he’s at least three. But I know for sure that we won’t have two cakes. I’m pretty sure River will manage a happy life without a smash cake.