No milestone timetables this time around

When River was born, I had What to Expect the First Year in a handy place. Every so often I’d take a look and see where he stood regarding the milestones expected for his age. On the rare occasions he was ahead, I cheered. When he was behind, I kept an eye on that skill appearing at some point.

I soon figured out that it doesn’t really matter when this stuff happens. I’m embarrassed to admit that I was really proud the day I went to mom and baby yoga and was able to show off that he could roll over. As in, who cares?

I also figured that a parent is probably going to think that their own child’s timeline is the right one for that kid. When the little girl River hung out with as a baby began to walk at nine months, I didn’t think she was a marvel, but instead thought her parents were going to have a rougher time taking her of her. When other little girls spoke earlier, more eloquently, I figured girls develop faster and River’s bilingualism would naturally slow him down. When other boys climbed and jumped and River didn’t, I was grateful that River never hurts himself and that we don’t have to keep a close eye on him. He was on the slow end of several developmental markers but I thought that was fine, because it was right for him.

So this time, I haven’t paid any attention. I don’t even know where my What to Expect book is.

The first time timelines were even brought to my attention was at a recent gathering. A mom of a six-month old was telling me that she can’t leave her baby alone with her older brothers because they will hurt her. So far River has not shown any negative feelings towards Willow. I leave them alone without concern.

“But you should watch out,” she said. “Something happens at around five months, when the baby starts to laugh and smile and get a lot of attention from people. Then they start to feel jealous and can take it out on her.”

“She does laugh and smile,” I said. “But so far that hasn’t changed anything.”

“No, it’s different in a few months,” she said. “You’ll see.”

A while later, Willow woke up from her nap in another room and I brought her out into the gathering. This woman saw Willow smile and laugh and get attention from people. She seemed shocked it was happening at three months.

“That’s really early!” she said. “That means that she’s going to be very verbal.”

Really? I had no idea. And honestly, didn’t really care. I’m glad she laughs and vocalizes because it’s endearing. She’s sleeping less at night than River, she’s vocalizing earlier, she’s moving earlier. But she’s no better or worse than he is. They are just individuals, on their own correct timelines.

It Doesn't Matter

I admit that in River’s early days I fell prey to the baby-comparison malaise that affects many new mothers. Especially since most of the moms I hung out with were from my pre-natal yoga class and had babies around the same age. Did their babies have hair, did they smile, gurgle, stand with assistance, roll over? I remember when River first rolled over how excited I was to go to post-natal yoga and let him show his stuff. I knew it was silly then and it seems ridiculous now. But I think in the early months I sought validation that yes, he was really a fine and wonderful baby.

In the early months, I received that validation because he was often ahead of his peers. As he got older, others started to meet certain markers before him. Mirena is only the most startling comparison.

At this point though, it no longer matters to me. I know that babies meet markers at different ages and that by the age of two or three, they will all be pretty much the same. More importantly, I’ve spent enough time with River to know that he’s sweet and bright and healthy. Nothing else matters. I don’t doubt that he’ll get to all the milestones that he needs to. And I’ll trust he’ll do it at the time that’s right for him.

It’s still interesting to see other babies just to see the wide ranges that exist and to acknowledge their progress as they move from one stage to another. Like River, who has his strengths and his weaknesses, they are all little individuals, making their place in the world at their own pace.