Getting closer to my previous self

I am now back in the world of menstruating women, just over 11 months after River’s birth. I was expecting this to come at some point in the near future. River has been eating solids since he was four months old and has received 2-3 bottles of formula a day since six months or so. I was also feeling rumblings of activity going on down there.

I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, it’s nice to be moving more definitely beyond the new mother stage. I’m losing weight, I’m breastfeeding less, I’m menstruating again, I’m becoming closer to the person I was before becoming pregnant. On the other hand, there is a slight sorrow that River no longer needs the milk in the same way. Both he and I are moving beyond this stage. Of course, I’m glad for him to grow and develop, but it’s also sad to know the early baby days can never be retrieved.

I was waiting to go on birth control until I resumed my periods. One reason was due to breastfeeding (though I know there are options out there that are OK to use while breastfeeding). Another was that I was truly curious about how my body was going to respond. The entire experience of conception, pregnancy, childbirth and the past year has taught me so much about myself and my body. I wanted to see how in tune my body is with my mind – at what point it would allow me to conceive again.

The result is that it wouldn’t have let me have another child any earlier than 20 months after River’s birth. I think that is wonderful. Any less and I either wouldn’t have wanted it or would have found it very overwhelming.

When River was just a few months old, I had a dream in which I was pregnant again. In the dream, I was very distressed. My body wasn’t ready to take on that challenge again. I couldn’t deal with two infants at once. More than anything, and what made me decide in my dream that I needed to get an abortion, was that I didn’t want to deny River the one-on-one care and the breastmilk I thought he deserved during his first year.

Somewhere around ten months, I realized that even though I’d prefer a larger spacing between children, if I did somehow become pregnant, I would keep it. And voila, a few weeks later my body ovulates.

The cycle was short (3 days) and pretty uneventful, as it used to be. However, especially in the first day or so, I felt minor cramps or pains that suddenly brought back the feelings of childbirth. Though I never thought I’d get there, I’m now at the stage of thinking – yeah, that was pretty awful, but it’s a distant event now and River is so worth it and billions of women go through it. It’s hard to recreate the memories of exactly what it felt like (except the extreme pain in the last hour or two, which hasn’t yet faded). But these cramps brought back a faint reminder of the contractions and the memory that yeah, it really did hurt down there, and holy crap, I really passed a large head through my legs!

River is just a bundle of happiness and joy and being a parent right now feels easy and rewarding. I’d like to cut down our hours with our babysitter, but am hesitant to do so because I’m looking for a job and am guessing that as soon as we cut the hours, I’ll find a job and need her more. So we’re hanging on for now and swallowing the large expense.

His intellectual development took a giant leap a week or so again and he went from constant pointing to what really seems to be two-way communication. Now he points specifically at what he wants. And though his main word is dah, he uses it with emphasis and seriousness that make me think he really knows what he wants to communicate, he just doesn’t know the words for it yet.

Physically, he’s also taken a big leap, learning how to walk along a surface, and then to walk while pushing something in front of him. It seemed just recently that we wondered if he’d ever move with confidence. Now we feel like he could take his first independent steps any day now. It’s thrilling to watch.

And not to leave any development out, socially he’s also branching out further on his own. Yesterday I took him to story hour at the library. Up until yesterday, he always sat on my lap and either listened or looked around or ate or drank. This time he immediately squirmed out of my arms and began to crawl around. He didn’t bother anybody and I never had to go retrieve him. He didn’t return to me during the entire half hour. What surprised me the most was that he never even made eye contact with me. He didn’t need any assurance of my presence. I could have left and he wouldn’t have noticed or cared.

“Yes, he’s an independent boy,” Mark said, when I told him about it. Both Mark and I have strong independent streaks, so it’s not surprising that River would get some of that. But to see it so clearly at only 11 months is surprising. Along with his independence he has confidence and a sunny disposition, which I think will serve him well.

The inevitable shrinkage

Has occurred. My size E (yes, that’s right, E!) nursing bra had been feeling a little loose lately. When I took out a pre-nursing days bra for a special event this past weekend, a 34B, I found it fit. From an E to a B is quite a fall.

One part of me was disappointed. As a small-chested woman for almost 20 adult years, it was pretty fun to experience life as a big-boobed babe for a while. The experience lasted long enough (about a year and a half) to lead me to believe it could become permanent, that I’d never return back to little boob days. That bubble has been burst.

On the positive side, if my memory serves me right, the newly smaller versions don’t appear all that different from the pre-pregnancy days. Those frequent 2-4 hour nursing sessions don’t appear to have done permanent damage. I also see this boob shrinkage as just one more sign that I’m entering the end zone. Life just feels easier now. I’m nursing, but not that much. I sleep well on a regular basis. River is increasingly self sufficient. I’m increasingly comfortable in my role as mother. Now is the time where I’d be much more comfortable being away for longer periods of time. In an ideal world, 10-11 months would be my perfect maternity leave. My body is slowly moving back towards its normal form. I barely pump any more. I feel pretty confident that we’ll reach River’s first birthday still nursing. For me, anything beyond that is just bonus nutrition and bonding. If we make it to a year, we done good in my book.

I’m not entirely in the end zone yet. While I’ve lost 13 pounds since July (I suppose a decent chunk of that was boob weight), I still have another ten to go until normal weight. Among those ten is a big chunk concentrated in the hip and rear section. I recently attended a talk by a reproductive anthropologist, Peter Ellison. When asked whether it was true that breastfeeding helps women lose weight (not true in my case), he said that fat cells are needed for the production of milk. So the cells on the hips and derriere in particular are unlikely to disappear until nursing is over. I also still haven’t started menstruating yet. I’m in no hurry for that one and fairly curious to see how long it stays away. It’s been a nice 19 month absence!

My goal is to get back to my normal self by River’s birthday in December. I don’t know whether 10 ponds in under two months is very likely but I’ll do my best. I feel like I’m looking out the final portion of a tunnel, that while it hasn’t been a very dark journey, it is still brighter ahead. Yay!

When did you find your life beginning to return to normal after having a child/children? When did your chest size and cycles return to normal? Did some things never change?