What is worth worrying about

NPR lists parents top five fears for their children’s safety, and the top five real causes of injury and death. As Lenore Skenazy reminds us in Free Range Kids, we have to keep in mind the real risks.

interesting article on barriers to women’s advancement at work

Article in the Harvard Business Review. Some of the key points include:

•“There is a special kind of relationship—called sponsorship—in which the mentor goes beyond giving feedback and advice and uses his or her influence with senior executives to advocate for the mentee. Our interviews and surveys alike suggest that high-potential women are overmentored and undersponsored relative to their male peers—and that they are not advancing in their organizations. Furthermore, without sponsorship, women not only are less likely than men to be appointed to top roles but may also be more reluctant to go for them.

•Women’s mentors have less organizational clout, a detriment since the more senior the mentor, the faster the mentee’s career advancement

Thinking ahead

While attending the conference earlier this month, I met quite a few women whose children were already grown and who were focused on other pursuits in their lives. One impressive woman didn’t even seem old enough to have grown children – yet her four kids were already out of the house. She is now a writer, a painter and starting teaching fifth grade last year.

These women reminded me of the many years of post-intensive parenting that lie ahead, even for women like me who start families on the later side. They reminded me that those are years ripe for possibilities and that the decisions I take now will determine the type of life I have then.

Sick

I am so very sick. Within seven hours today, I vomited at least seven times and had an equivalent number of episodes of diarrhea. I ate nothing but a few slices of banana bread in the morning. That all came up with episode number one. So all the rest were wrenching, convulsing upheavals of whatever could be found in my innards. At times, I thought I’d puke up the baby. It felt like childbirth in the sense of not having any control – of being in pain and at the mercy of what my body was doing. But there was no reward at the end.

I have a stomach of steel and for me, puking is a once every several year event. The last time it happened was when I got major food poisoning while in first trimester with River – over three years ago. The only thing worse than having my insides come out both ends is having something beat me from within the stomach in between episodes.

Right now, I’m feeling grateful because I haven’t puked in three hours and I’ve got a cup of herbal tea and a glass of diet ginger ale that I’ve been able to keep inside me. But I’m still delicate. Even typing at the computer feels challenging. Mostly, I’ve done nothing but lie around and stare at the wall, hoping to forestall another episode.

As I was going through this, I thought of all the people who have it worse. How in the world do people go through something like this if they have a couple of little kids in the house? There were only about 15 minutes where I had to care for River, and in that time, he joined me next to the toilet. Not exactly quality care. He knew something was wrong and I thought of all the kids whose parents are not just going through a rough spell, but are deteriorating due to serious diseases. How frightening for the children. How heart-rendering for the parent, to only be able to look on from the sidelines and not be able to give what their heart wants to. I thought about the immigrants who came over on ships, dealing with horrible illnesses that had similar effects – but they were in cramped, unhygienic conditions and had the additional nausea-inspiring effect of ocean waves to deal with.

I feel like there isn’t a lot of information out there about coping with serious illness and/or death, from the perspective of the person going through it. I always had the idea that when that time comes for me, I would try to share what I learn. But I forgot how completely one can be incapacitated. Of course there are incredible exceptions, like the Diving Bell and the Butterfly. But when even sitting up without spewing, or successfully taking in a glass of water becomes an accomplishment, writing is not very feasible.

River was a doll. It’s the first time he’s seen me this sick and he knew something was wrong. When he tried to move my head, I thought he was going to take my pillow, as he often does, to bury himself under. Instead, he placed the last remaining pillow under my head to give me extra support. He pinched my cheeks and gave me kisses. When I told him I was sick, he inquired if my head hurt. That was far more concern and consideration than I expected from a two year old.

At the ultrasound, they said the fetus weighs 15 ounces. I think of that in terms of a box of four sticks of butter. That’s a fairly solid and sizeable weight. Mark is amazed by how tiny and fragile babies are and how tenuous is their grip on the world. I tend to see them as remarkably strong, successfully fighting to stay alive through many difficult circumstances. River made it through food poisoning and exposure to tear gas as a fetus. When the ultrasound technician prodded against my belly yesterday, trying to get the fetus to move, it kicked and punched back, as if to say, “F—off. Leave me alone in here.”

I’m guessing everything will be OK. But today’s experience reminded me that at 15 ounces, she would most likely not be able to survive outside the womb. At least several more weeks are still needed – and even that would be so early as to present challenges. She has pretty much had zero sustenance today and has had to live off of what is already there, or what she may have in reserves.

I think this is a virus that went around the family event River and Mark attended, causing several people there to experience puking spells. I think of how I eat foods that aren’t recommended for pregnant women because the odds of falling ill are so incredibly low. But I was reminded today that if you are the one in a million or so, the effects can be serious.

For anyone who cares for multiple children, how in the world do you do it when you get really sick?

Making the announcement

My first ever Facebook pregnancy announcement makes me feel strangely a part of the modern age. I joined Facebook shortly before River was born. I believe I posted a few pics after his birth, but didn’t announce my pregnancy there.

A facebook announcement is the official statement of open news – of this is so official, so obvious, that it’s now OK for anyone to know. It gives permission for the gossip mills to flow.

It kind of makes me wish that more colleagues were on facebook. I don’t want to share the details of my life with many of them, but I would kind of like to make a mass announcement. I think one of the reasons I have been so hesitant to wear revealing clothes is that I’m dreading what I imagine will be an onslaught of banal observations/conversation – oh you are pregnant? Congratulations! When are you due? How are you feeling? Do you know the gender?

It’s hard to criticize this as I know people are just being polite/kind. And I ask the exact same questions when I find out a colleague, even one I don’t know well, is expecting. I just dread repeating this conversation over and over again. I know people mean the best, but it kind of feels like an overstepping of boundaries, of letting people in on something that is intensely personal, when I may not even be on terms to discuss hobbies with them.

Then again, I have to remember that births and the regeneration of life is something that ties people together, that reminds us of the cycle of life, and how we are all in this together. They are there as the community that will take in my child, regardless of how vigorously they partake in the responsibilities. I, in turn, have to allow them the access to participate.

Feeling guilty

I thought my 11 days away from River went pretty seamlessly. He had a great time, he was happy when I was gone, and our reunion went well. But signs are emerging that perhaps he’s worried I’ll leave again for a long stretch, or perhaps he feels he hasn’t had enough time with me and needs some extra attention.

Yesterday Mark spent the morning with him while I went to work early. River asked me for me as soon as he got up and continued to ask for me throughout the morning.

This afternoon, we had a sitter take him to the library while we went to the ultrasound appointment. I had been home when they left and was gone when they returned. When River returned and didn’t see me at home, he began to cry – something he never does.

When we found out the baby is a girl, Mark said, “I’m feeling sorry for River. I can already see that he is going to take second place.”

I don’t think that is dependent on gender. I think for the first few months, he’ll necessarily have to take second place while I focus on sleep and breastfeeding. I see it as a good opportunity to spend more quality time with dad and for them to improve their bond. But he will never be replaced or even shoved aside. He is the light of my life and I believe he knows that. Perhaps with my absence, he needs some more reminders.

Luckily, I have River duty this afternoon and evening, so hopefully we can get in a good chunk of quality time together. I think he needs it.

It's a girl

“There are the labia,” said the radiologist. ‘It’s a girl.”

Convinced it was a boy, I was not prepared to hear that. I’m happy, but stunned. It’s going to take me a little time to reorient to the reality.