A different place with number two

1. One thing that surprised me after Willow’s birth was my thought, just a few weeks later, that I could do this again. In fact, I’d like to do it once more. And I still want to adopt. This was a marked contrast from the period after River’s birth, in which I sent myself reminders of how horrible childbirth is and that I should remember the details of the horrendous pain before attempting it again.

Two months on, I would still like another child in my life. Not anytime soon. I can’t handle two little ones at once. But someday, if Mark should agree (which is a big question, as he makes frequent comments about us being done), I would like to welcome another child or two into our home.

2. Another area in which my thoughts are distinct is in the realm of employment. Last time I was eager to get back to doing something productive, to show that I could still contribute professionally while being a mom.

At this point, I’ve come to realize that the work I enjoy the most requires long trips abroad and it’s not very feasible at the moment. I do want to travel, but I don’t want to spend long periods of time without my children. I don’t want to stop breastfeeding in order to take one of these trips.

I’m not good at being a full-time parent – ie. someone who is around and who is the primarily responsible party all day. I need a breather, I need time to myself, I need to be around and in communication with adults, and I need to be able to think about topics more complicated and challenging than those at the level of a toddler.

But I do like having the time and flexibility to do fun things with my children. I like being able to attend events, to be involved in their educations, to be there when they need me. I also like having the time to take care of myself, to be able to cook, get enough sleep, exercise and be intellectually stimulated.

While I don’t think I’d be a good stay-at-home parent to small children, I’m starting to think that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad once they are in school. I could use the school time to do some independent work, then spend the afternoons with my kids.

I don’t think it’s likely it will ever happen, but just the fact that it seems remotely attractive to me is a change.

3. The third big change I’m noticing is more of an acceptance or tolerance to being more attached to my baby and a greater commitment to breastfeeding. Before, I wanted to give my baby that attachment and the benefits of breastfeeding, but I also wanted to have sleep and freedom for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still thrilled to get away for an hour or two. If she sleeps for three or four or seven or eight, I’m in heaven. But I’m willing to limit my absences to roughly two hour periods, so that I can feed her. I’m not so eager to give up a nighttime feeding to Mark, thinking that we’re better off with the prolactin stimulation, even if it means I’m likely to go months without a full night’s sleep. This time, the year or so that seemed so long before, now appears much shorter. I’m more willing to make sacrifices, knowing that they won’t last all that long.

What was different for you the second, or third, or more time around?

Weird stuff

I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant. We haven’t gotten to the part of actually trying. Though we are in the realm of a surprise being possible. Which partially makes me happy. But mostly makes me feel guilty, since I’m loaded up on antibiotics and Mark is taking a medication. Before a planned try, I’d rather eliminate the drugs in our system. But if it happens, it happens.

Anyway, for someone who doesn’t quite want to be pregnant yet, I’m doing weird things. Like looking online at maternity clothes and coming seriously close to buying some. Like looking up baby names. Like taking a breast pump that was offered on freecycle.

The kind of things that I’m going to feel really stupid about if I end up not being able to get pregnant. Though so far, I’ve still (barely) refrained from actual purchases, which I think would be the most regrettable thing to do. For now, I’m just wasting time when I could and should be doing something more productive. Transitioning myself, perhaps, into the mind of a woman ready for a number two.

On the more positive sign side, I do think that River now, at 28 months, is probably ready to handle a sibling. I think it would have been hard to predict that in advance, to count backward to 28 minus 9 to time a second sibling for when it would affect him less. I’m still glad we didn’t because even if he’s ready now, I’m not necessarily ready for two at this moment. But I’m getting to where I could make myself ready nine months from now. River is becoming a little man, independent and engaged with the world and other children. I think even now he might appreciate another playmate. By the time he’s three, hopefully he’ll both welcome a new playmate and have enough going on his life to not fully feel the effects of no longer being the sole recipient of parental attention.