It's Over

The breastfeeding is done – for good now. We had one rare substantial feeding during our Christmas visit home. I took River into my parent’s Jacuzzi bath and the bubbling waters must have soothed him enough to lose focus on the outside world enough to breastfeed, because it was at least a 10 minute feeding, which hadn’t happened in ages. I had that nostalgic feeling of isn’t this sweet, it’s so beautiful to look at him and spend this time with him. At the time same, the old feeling of – how long is this going to take? Are we almost done? crept up on me.

My breasts continue to produce a little milk, as though they are preparing for just in case. I have to accept it’s over though. I should be glad that I was able to give him some breastmilk as long as he wanted it – that the weaning came from his initiative, not mine. Still, little nagging thoughts ask whether if I did something differently we might have continued through the winter. Since we’re not, I’m now giving him one bag of frozen breastmilk a day until that’s all gone. We’ll stretch the immune protection out for another week or two.

“Mom excrement,” Mark called it, as he thawed a bag of it today. I never got much out of the pump, but still, it seems kind of unreal to see bags of liquid that have come from me emerging from the freezer.

So now that I’m no longer tied to River by breastfeeding, this should be the time for me to go away. It is time to find a job and I’m looking. But just when I’m able to go away, I no longer want to very much. Or, I do want to, but I don’t necessary want to be away from River. He’s so sweet and loving, he brightens my day. He’ll hold out his arms to ask for hugs during a meal, or even while on the potty. The other day he started to tap my back during the hug.

It’s no longer just me holding him while he suckles at my breast. We hug and kiss and play games and roll balls and laugh together. While losing the intimacy of breastfeeding is sad, this stage is fun enough for me to want to spend more time with him.