The next book to help me be a better parent

I’m still in that searching for good parenting advice period and have now finished my second book. Before I tell you about the book, I want to mention that I’m recently getting to know a few babies in a more intimate way than just waving at them in the stroller while I chat with their moms. Of course there is Mirena, who now comes over two afternoons a week. And last week, we watched my friend Laura’s baby on Saturday and she watched River on Sunday.

Both of these experiences make me recall my Spanish friend’s saying, “Every baby is a world unto themselves.” And they are. Each of the three is entirely distinct. Which makes me wonder how people can really presume to give advice. What works for River may well not work for Mirena. And what works for Isabela doesn’t match River’s needs. I suppose people advise toward the mean. But for our purposes, I can’t put my faith into any single idea or author, because none of them know River’s needs precisely. The best I can do is to read widely and then pick and choose among the ideas presented those I think will have a positive benefit.

So, the book I read is Parenting, Inc. by Pamela Paul. I first saw it reviewed in Brain, Child magazine (my new favorite magazine). I didn’t pay much attention though since the subtitle “How we are sold on $800 strollers, fetal education, baby sign language, sleeping coaches, toddler couture and diaper wipe warmers – and what it means for our children” didn’t apply to me. The only thing we have used from that list is a teeny bit of sign language. But even with that, we are only teaching him 10-15 signs and we’re not spending any money to do it.

But then, I passed by a table of books outside a bookstore and began to flip through this one. I landed on a page about hiring consultants to help toddlers learn to get potty trained. She mentioned one in particular called Booty Camp. For $250 ($300 now) parents can get their toddler potty trained in a day.

On the parent listserv I belong to, there had been a lot of discussion lately about parents unsure of what to do with their toddlers. One recent discussion had centered upon a 4-year old, who pooped in his pants at daycare and got it all over the rugs. After requesting advice, the parents decided to send him to preschool in diapers and to include going to the potty with changing clothes, but otherwise allow him to choose when to train. Of course, I can’t know the child or the situation. But the prevalence with which I heard of these types of cases in the U.S. (look at all the sold out classes at Booty Camp to see how many people need help with this) doesn’t seem right to me.

So I was intrigued by the Booty Camp founder’s method. She loads the kids up with sugar and salt, as much as they want to eat and drink. They wear only underpants. She tells them that when they need to go to the bathroom, they must use the potty. She says it’s “unacceptable” for them to go in their pants. If they do so, she says it’s gross, dirty and stinky and the child must clean it up. The parent is instructed to not react to any attention-seeking behavior. The child is also not provided with any rewards. If anything, toys are removed so that he can focus on paying attention to his body. She believes that there is a point at which a poop is no longer an “accident” but a decision, and should no longer be excused. It worked for the parent profiled in the book and from that day on, her son used the potty.

I picked up the book due to this potty perusal. It’s not so much a parental advice book as it is a manifesto against the heavy hand of consumerism on parents these days. The book is easy to read and the beginning and end are strongest. The book contains some interesting facts and statistics, some of which I’ll probably refer to in future posts.

I can say that it made me feel better about our decisions to not be participating in baby classes (besides swimming), to go with mostly used clothing and toys and to focus on what we believe matters – quality time, access to experiences and saving for education when it’s really needed.

Read any helpful books lately?

A Ready Frugalista

“All over the web, people are talking about how to save money,” I said to my husband last night. “It looks like being frugal is starting to become cool.”

“You are going to enjoy this recession way too much,” he said.

No, I’m not going to enjoy it. I never like to see people face fear, uncertainty and deprivation. But I do think that learning to live within one’s means would be a positive thing for our culture and for our children.

I recall when I was living overseas and I’d come back to America. I’d sit in traffic in a little car completely surrounded by SUVs. I’d drive by box stores. The atmosphere felt to me large, suffocating, selfish (via the waste of gas and resources and the fact that the people in SUVs were putting the lives of people in small cars at risk so that their lives would be safer). In the past few years, with the rise of eco-consciousness, I’ve felt and seen the shift and it makes me more comfortable and happy to be here. Small cars are cool now, as is reusing items, even cloth diapers. I feel more accepted for who I am.

Cutting coupons might not quite be cool, but I think it’s getting there. I’ll actually be interested to see how the pressure to save money interests with the values-based spending (local, organic, etc.).

When I was in the dating world, I tried to hide my frugal tendencies. I thought it was dorky. My husband now says it’s actually pretty attractive. “No guy really wants a woman to want to spend all the money,” he said. I didn’t hide it too well though, since I showed up with a coupon giving us a discount on a horse and carriage ride in the Amish community we visited.

If anything, I’ve become less frugal since I met Mark. He didn’t have much to spend his income on, so he urged me to do what made me happy. He said I deserved to be treated. I learned to enjoy that feeling of a splurge, of feeling that I was worth it, that it was OK to spend money on myself. I no longer denied myself if I really wanted something. He convinced me to stop my monthly tracking of expenditures, to go with the flow.

That was all fine when we had two incomes. But I’m currently earning an average of $118 per month. So we need to be more conscious of our spending. This month we are tracking everything we spend and we’ll analyze it from there.

I welcome this opportunity because I think it will help us to return to a spending pattern based on our values. Before I met Mark, I identified health, education, charity and travel (because of the learning that takes place during travel) as my priorities for spending. I kept every other category to the minimum. I still have similar values. Only now I also value proximity to either work or the center of a community and quality food. I think Mark values a bit of comfort. So we’ll have to sit down and discuss our values and how that will impact our spending. I hope that River will see these values in action as he grows up and will embrace a spending pattern based on what our family deems important rather than peer or commercial pressures.

Transition to Fall

This week was the official transition from summer to fall. Though practically, it’s still warm and beautiful, like summer. But the hints of change are in the air – the slight yellowing of some leaves, the drying of the forest, the temperature that changes from warm, hot and sunny, to cool within a day.

I’m enjoying living here. We’ve finally gotten unpacked and organized and feel as though we have our first home together. Our street is quiet, with a view of a cemetery and the sounds of church bells and squealing children in the daytime, crickets at night. People seem calm and comfortable. I see a population of immigrants that concentrate in a certain area, and I imagine life is more challenging for them. But even they benefit from the calm and quiet here, the good public services, and the good, neighborly spirit that’s easy to generate when people are living comfortably.

I’m readjusting to having frequent internet access and to the experience of online shopping. I’m impressed by how many of our purchases we can do online. Every few days, a package shows up on the doorstep – anything from a pillow to a swim cap to peanut butter. As long as it’s not needed urgently, I can easily do research on quality online, find a cheap price, and then have it head toward my house – all without taking a step outside. I suppose many Americans have long been accustomed to this. I’ve certainly been using the internet to buy things while away. But in the years of living overseas, I’ve missed out on the transition from using the internet for certain objects (like books, electronics and clothing) to a far wider spectrum that can include toilet paper, milk and furniture.

Yesterday Mark and I had the unique experience of interviewing a doula – a birth attendant. Neither of us had any idea what a doula was as of a couple of weeks ago, but now we are considering hiring one. We felt the need for some personal care even more after visiting the doctor today. The doctor was nice enough, and if we could keep him as our permanent doctor, it would be fine. However, we found out there are six doctors in the practice, not five like I thought. So somehow, by early December, I need to have appointments with the four I haven’t met yet. That will give me about 15-30 minutes of contact with each one before the due date. And then it’s a random lottery as to which of the six will be my attending physician. I have a 16.7% chance of getting any particular one – the one I like the most as well as the one I like least.

A doula would be a person we’d select in advance, who would take the time to get to know us and our wishes. In the course of a couple of meetings, our time spent with her would be a vast multiple of the time spent with any one doctor. She’d then be with us from the very start of labor until the end, and visit us once more post-partum. Her job would be to help make the process more calming, relaxing, comfortable, and safe. She’d also be our advocate with the doctors and nurses, helping to ensure our wishes are carried out as much as possible, at a time in which we might not be a good position to argue. According to doula advocates, by reducing stress and making the experience more personal and comfortable, it can speed up labor and reduce the chance of complications. If nothing else, it seems likely to make the process less impersonal, bureaucratic and uncertain.

We’re entering the phase of active preparation. We bought our first big-ticket item today – a used carseat. Slowly, we’re collecting a pile of stuff for this future being. I don’t want it to enter a world of materialism, and we’re trying to stick to the essentials. But I do want it to be comfortable and well taken care of. And we want to be as comfortable as possible ourselves while adjusting to the changes in our lives.Speaking of materialism, I thought it was amazing to see orange and black aisles full of Halloween candy over a week ago – a good month and a half before Halloween. But even more amazing was that today I received several holiday catalogs in the mail. Holiday meaning Christmas. They were selling things like hot chocolate in red and green tins a full three-months before the holiday! An entire quarter of a year is spent marketing this holiday to people, during which they spend an average of $800.

Mark and I have decided we will not celebrate Christmas as a family holiday. Instead, we’ll follow the example of the Russians and others in making New Years our big annual event. I’m sure we’ll still get drawn into Christmas to a certain extent from the celebrations going on around us. No matter what, we’ll be subject to the ads and the pressures to spend more and do more. But we’ll have the benefit of celebrating once everyone else is already tired out. But really, no need to think about that three months ahead of schedule.