The scary gene

Now that we’ve passed the period of worrying about autism, we are instead starting to worry about the mental illness gene that runs in Mark’s family. Mark’s grandfather was brilliant and successful, but endured depression so serious he tried to take his life several times. He passed this to at least one of his daughters, who passed it in lesser forms to Mark and to his brother.

It has appeared in a more powerful form in Mark’s niece. The first sign came from serious nightmares as a small child. By age 8 she was having panic attacks. By 11, she was institutionalized. It took them forever to come up with a diagnosis. For a while they thought she might be schizophrenic; now it seems to be bipolar. She’s back at home on medication and functioning, but with difficulties. She still has delusions of grandeur, thinking she can support her family on her singing and acting skills and has a hard time socially. Another daughter seems to be OK and the third is adopted.

Mark’s sister doesn’t show signs of depression, but she contracted a rare and life-threatening illness (Guillain-Barre’s), which made her so afraid she would die that she turned from a Ph.D. candidate in science to a born-again Christian stay-at-home mother of four. Her first born has some learning issues. Her second born appears to have anger issues. He has flown into rages and been destructive since his earliest days. The third is adopted and the fourth is too small to tell.

So something has come through the children of both of Mark’s siblings. I knew this was a risk when I married Mark and when we decided to have children. The members of his family are also extremely bright and I think there is a fine line between brilliance and madness. Nevertheless, you always hope that it’s not going to be your child, that you’ll be the lucky one that is not touched. I guess I just counted on that, and to a certain extent, still do.

Because River is so social and gets along with people, I figure he’s fine. But Mark still has worries. The fact that River chatters to himself at night and used to do so in the morning upon waking up is a gift in my opinion. No crying, no screaming, just calm self entertainment. Whatever he is doing is so entertaining to him that he often laughs. Mark wonders if the talking to himself is a sign of a problem.

I know several parents whose kids have or have gone through night terrors. Most of these kids seem to turn out fine. River has not yet had a night terror as these parents describe it. But he has an occasional bad dream in which he’ll call out. I figure it’s a normal part of sleep and of childhood. Mark thinks he could be following in the footsteps of his cousin.

I suppose it’s good to know the family history, to know what to watch out for, and to pay attention for signs so that problems can be addressed. But I also don’t like leaping to the worst possible conclusion, especially when there are innocent explanations available and the worst is so ugly.

We’ll continue to be thankful for his overall happy, calm demeanor and keep our fingers crossed that this gene doesn’t express itself in him (or the one on the way).

Do you worry about illnesses that run in your family striking your child? How do you balance vigilance with realism?

Smoking 18 month old

On the Spanish news last night, the last item of the broadcast was about how the rate of smoking has gone up five percent recently (in the past year?) despite someone dying once each minute due to cigarettes.

To illustrate their story, they showed an obese toddler from what appeared to be a low-income community in Indonesia. He was sitting on the porch of a hut, his fat congealed into rolls, puffing away on a cigarette. With his family looking on calmly and a gaggle of kids staring, he took one cigarette and lit it from another lighted cigarette. After his smoke, he lay down with a bottle of milk.

The accompanying text said he started smoking at age 18 months and that his parents started him and encouraged the habit.

This was contrasted with news about Chinese children speaking out against smoking and preparing posters depicting the dangers.

I wonder what in the world (other than an extremely low education level) would inspire parents to start their 18 month old smoking. They seem to be treating their child in the same way I’ve seen people treat monkeys or other simians behind bars, giving them dangerous substances to get a laugh at how difficult it is for them to handle the effects.

Is this child abuse or parental perogative? What do you think?

Libros!

I’ve been waiting ages to get to Spain and to buy River some quality books in Spanish. The more I waited, the better sense I had of what kind of books he needed. My biggest priority was on non-fiction – books on science, pirates, castles, the universe, how things work, bugs, emotions. I got books on all those topics and more.

I got a book about a cricket by Eric Carle that ends with the sound of a cricket. I got a book about using tools that comes with several plastic tools. I got a book with 500 questions, including one River already asks about – What is the difference between a mountain and a hill? I got a book of short bedtime stories. I got a book on the origins of things. I got a huge encyclopedia of insects and bugs. I got a book about simians, with chapters on gorillas, bonobos and others. I got a book about the arrival of a new sibling, which includes a drawing of the mother in the hospital after giving birth, breastfeeding the new baby. The upper part of her breast and part of her nipple is showing.

I am SO thrilled with the books. I didn’t even look at the prices. I had waited so long, I wouldn’t have another chance for years. This wasn’t the time to be cheap. I studied the shelves and pulled off whatever I thought could be of use. The cashier looked at me in disbelief when I brought the huge stack to the register. I asked her not to tell me the price and I didn’t look as she was ringing it up.

I couldn’t help seeing it through upon signing the credit card bill. And Mark couldn’t help exclaiming at my spending over 300 euro. Thank goodness the exchange rate has moved in our favor in recent weeks.

“I hope you don’t complain when I buy River a personal computer,” Mark said

Of course it feels extravagant to spend over $400 within a half hour. That is far outside the normal for us. We have a budget of $100/month to spend on River, aside from food, childcare and education savings. I told Mark it would be several months of River’s allowance. I’ve bought him virtually no new clothes, very few new toys, and a few new books. We try to get everything possible secondhand. But I have not been able to find quality non-fiction books in Spanish secondhand. So I just had to accept the expenditure and let it go.

The fact that we have another on the way means that the books will be used to educate and entertain at least two. I can always sell them online when we are done, or donate them to the library, which would probably appreciate the addition to the Spanish language collection.

In the meantime, I’m so excited to share this new knowledge with River, and to learn the Spanish vocabulary words associated with these new subjects. I know he’ll be excited and will appreciate them. I look forward to many hours spent together reading and enjoying them. I’m already planning the next trip in a few years, to buy another set of age-appropriate books. In the meantime, our friends, seeing how very serious I was about building River’s Spanish language library, said they could save us the airfare and buy and ship books for us. Great.

What do you do about yelling?

A corollary of the toddler behavior mentioned below has been a decent amount of yelling this week. If he’s demanding something, we’ll normally insist that he ask for it with a please or por favor before we give it to him. We tell him to speak in a lower voice. But in general, we’re kind of at a loss on how to deal with the yelling.

I’ve seen Supernanny list “no yelling” as a rule. Yelling then becomes grounds for a time out. I think that makes sense, but I find yelling a little more challenging to deal with than other behavior. If he throws a car, I can give him a warning. If you throw a car again, you’ll be going to the crib. He knows what that means and usually stops. But it’s hard to give a warning for yelling because once he’s done it, he’s usually in a state in which he’s not really hearing my warning. And then I wonder, where is the line between misbehaving and him expressing his feelings in his Neanderthal way?

During the terrible tantrum, I did give him a timeout and it wasn’t too specific. A kind of general misbehavior timeout. Two minutes later, when I took him out, he had completely calmed down and we had no further issues. Perhaps he just needed some space and time to cool off.

But since the times when the yelling occurs tend to be more stressful moments, Mark and I would like to have a unified strategy in advance. Any tips on how to react to yelling at this age (25 months)?

Potty mouth

River's first swear word came a few weeks ago, when he repeated "shit"
after hearing dad say it. Since then, I've twice caught him muttering
fuck under his breath. The first time we had been out playing in the
leaves, having a nice time. There was definitely no swearing
involved. As we came in, he started to say, fuck, fuck, fuck. At
first I thought I was mishearing him, but it sure sounded like fuck to
me. It happened again tonight.

As excited as I am about the rapid language developed he has shown in
the past two months, this disturbs me. He's not saying it in an angry
manner. Rather, it's a more thoughtful analysis of the sounds. But
still, what does this say about us as parents to have this be among
his first 100 words or so? As professional parents with graduate
school educations, I find it pretty embarrassing.

It's hard not to think that it came from Mark, either his own speech
or the TV shows or movies he watches while caring for River. When
I've asked Mark before to be careful, he has told me that River
doesn't understand what he is saying. I do think he believes that,
because he also tends to read simpler books to River than I do,
thinking he doesn't understand the more complicated ones. I believe
River's comprehension is at a much higher level and that even when he
can't demonstrate his comprehension, he is a sponge, soaking
everything in.

I don't have a perfectly clean mouth myself, and I'm sure I've sworn
in frustration before in his presence, especially while driving. But
I don't think it's been often enough, or loud enough, for him to pick
it up. Nor do I watch programs that contain swearing in front of him.

When I point it out to Mark, and say look what's happened to our
child, he says I should not react. When I started googling toddler
and swearing, I saw similar advice. It sounds like the best thing to do is to ignore it and hope it goes away. But when I'm pointing it out, what I'm really saying is - look at how we influence him. Look at what can happen if we are not
careful. Please be serious about setting a good example.

River is such an easy kid and so many of his characteristics can make
us feel like we are doing a great job. When he sleeps through the
night, naps, eats just about everything without problem, has never puked, had diarrhea, nor an ear infection, does most his poos in the potty and is generally friendly, cooperative and good-natured, it's tempting to think we are doing things right. When really, he was just born with a character that makes our job easy.
But this feels like a blow. A knock in the head that this time, we've
done something wrong.