36 hours without baby - at home!

My husband has taken River to visit family for the weekend. This was planned in advance, to give me two days (or rather 36 hours) to myself, to allow me to get some work done. Yes, I did just have nine days alone in Iowa. But it was different there – busy with activities and pumping that really didn’t leave much time for relaxation.

I have a lot to do this weekend too, between household chores, cooking up the wonderful vegetables from our farm share and trying to get some work done. But it’s much more relaxing being alone at home.

They left just over an hour ago and the house already seems so very quiet. The bells ringing at the church across the street resonate sonorously. I heard the birds chirping outside, my fingers tapping the keys on my computer, a lawnmower in the distance. I have a to-do list, but it’s less urgent than usual. I don’t need to try to do five little tasks in the next ten minutes. I can lie out on the couch without fear of interruptions. While I still need to pump, it’s not so urgent since my milk supply has mostly returned to normal and I’ll be seeing River tomorrow. I can arrange my time as I please and that seems so luxurious.

Instructions on how to Raise a Tennis Player

I recently attended a conference where one of my classmates was a pro tennis coach. Mark and I would like to get River into tennis, though whether or not he wants to go pro will be based on his interest and ability. Here are the recommendations the coach gave me for setting a solid basis for a youngster:

Age 7 -12 months: Buy some ping-pong balls and roll them back and forth with baby. This helps develop tracking skills.

Age 3-4: Buy a racket and let the child hit against the garage or other wall.

Age 5 or 6: Take the child with you when you go play tennis. See if expresses any interest. Wait for him to ask for lessons.

Age 6 and up: When child asks for lessons, provide them. This coach recommended private lessons of only 15 minutes since she says that is only as long as most kids can concentrate. She suggested finding another family/child to share a half-hour or hour lesson with, dividing the time between the two children. She recommended a coach who is firm about expectations and behaviors.

I'm an Antique

In preparation for my visit home last week, my mother took out many of my old toys. I had no idea she’d kept them. There was the telephone that is pulled by a cord and rings as the rotary numbers are dialed. There was a round ball that when rolled rocks the carousel-like horses within and makes music. And there was something that looked like an hourglass, with colored beads that moved from one side to another and a mirror on either end. And there were the building blocks that may or may not have been painted with lead paint.

I didn’t remember the hourglass but all the others brought back memories from long, long ago. My mom, an antique collector, said she held onto the Fisher Price toys because they hold their value. She said she saw one toy she kept, a see-through robotic toy that you wind up by cranking and you can see all the gears move, in an antique store for $300. I remember playing with that. I am now an antique – scary!

We just bought River a Fisher Price toy – a bag shaped like a potato that is filled with a variety of plastic tools that make different sounds. I wouldn’t have thought about keeping that, or really any of his toys, beyond our childbearing years. I wouldn’t have expected a pretty cheap plastic toy to have any value. But I forget that what seems insignificant now may be unique later on. More importantly, I learned that coming back into contact with childhood toys can bring back feelings from an era decades old and almost forgotten. That’s worth more than any antique shop could fetch.

Losing Support for Breastfeeding

They say that success in breastfeeding depends largely on the support for breastfeeding a woman has around her. While I had that support early on, it’s currently eroding.

During a family visit, my mother voiced her opinion that I should not breastfeed any longer than a year. She even seemed uncomfortable that I’d breastfeed on an airplane now, given that River is so big (as if larger 8-month olds should be less worthy of receiving breastmilk than smaller ones just because of their size).

When I got home, my husband also voiced his support for weaning, saying he thinks I should start reducing my feedings to only one per day and that at a year, River should no longer be receiving breastmilk. When I said that I wanted to continue it because I find it helpful with bonding, he said I should find other ways of bonding because the breastfeeding is taking over my life.

I was surprised during a lunchdate with a friend in MN to have her comment “You’re so European,” when I began to breastfeed River at the table. I hadn’t even thought of asking her if she minded. Given that she was a female of my age, I just assumed she’d understand. She told me that none of her friends would breastfeed so openly. I told her all of mine would.

They are the only left who are supportive of breastfeeding – my new-mother friends I met in prenatal yoga.

Given my declining support network, we’ll see what impact that has on my breastfeeding. I’m pretty committed to continuing until at least a year, especially after I picked up a can of formula I inherited and saw the first ingredient listed “corn syrup solids.” I have a job interview tomorrow though. If I’m offered the job and I take it, I think the demands of work and the potential travel involved are most likely to put an early end to breastfeeding.

What Makes a Good Mother?

River and I have spent the past week visiting family. Together with all of the time spent getting to know the little guy and the loving attention poured upon him, has come advice for me. I should breastfeed for two years, I should breastfeed for no longer than a year, I should start weaning now, I should feed him a solid breakfast, he must be teething and in pain and I should buy Orajel, I should feed him French fries and ice cream, I should use disposable diapers, I should be able to breastfeed and take care of all the baby chores, I should buy him a pacifier.

When I called my husband one evening and told him about all the advice I was receiving I said I knew the comments were provided out of love for River, but that the undertone seemed to be that I’m doing things incorrectly. To my surprise, he said he felt the same way when he wants to try something new with River, as though he’s criticizing my ability to mother.

“You aren’t very self-confident in your ability to mother,” he said.

I acknowledged he was correct.

Upon thinking about it though, I do feel confident I’m a good mother now – better than I thought I’d be. River is happy, healthy and strong. He seems intelligent, he smiles all the time, he doesn’t lack for anything, I think he feels secure and loved.

To me, what makes a good mother is someone who loves and supports her child, who does things in his best interest, who gives him opportunities to learn, explore and grow up healthy and who provides a secure and loving environment.

I think I am doing all of the above and I’m happy that I have a close and loving relationship with my baby.

When I tend to feel less confident is when my mothering is being examined and judged publicly. Then I feel I may not be living up to standards. I feel I don’t spend enough on fancy baby accessories, that my stroller (obtained for free on freecycle) is not cool enough, that I’m too dedicated to providing him with homemade food, that I’m silly for teaching him to go potty so early, that I’m crazy to take him with me all over the world, that it’s weird to speak to him in Spanish when I’m not a native speaker, that I should want to spend all day with him, that I should be able to work without feeling guilty, that I shouldn’t separate his vaccines, that I shouldn’t get him vaccinated at all, that I should be more discreet about breastfeeding, especially as he is getting bigger.

Whenever these feelings arise, I tell myself that such issues aren’t important to me, nor are they important to River’s ability to grow up to be a happy child and a contented adult. Sometimes these ideas are stated out loud, other times I just feel them insinuated. I spent some time defending my decisions verbally. But I spend a lot more time defending them to myself whenever I feel that people are questioning them.

This I know is wasted energy. I should take pride in the fact that things have gone well so far and continue on the path I’ve taken until now, ready to change course if something proves ineffective. However, all that defending to myself and to others plants seeds of doubts within me.

Perhaps the decisions I’ve made will really backfire. Perhaps as he gets older, River will resent rather than appreciate the control I’ve exerted over his food choices and his language acquisition. Perhaps he’ll prefer to follow the consumer trends rather than having a mother who is always questioning, evaluating, analyzing. Maybe, what scares me most, is that the decisions I make will somehow transform our close and loving relationship to the conflict and lack of respect that marked my relationship with my mother.

My mother did a good job caring for me as an infant. But she was anxious and high-strung and I imagine I must have felt that negative energy. So far, I’ve usually found myself pretty calm and loving with River. So maybe I’m not going to be the same as her. Maybe my child won’t hate me. I can feel guilty about wanting time to myself, about not wanting to be a full-time mom, about finding breastfeeding very time-consuming and questioning its value when time is taken into account, about not being as anal about safety as some other mothers while also recognizing that overall, I do a pretty good job.

Yes, it takes a community to raise a child and the input of others is valuable. But while they can impact him through their direct interactions with him, I will be a mother to him in the way that feels right for the two of us. And I don’t need to feel guilty about that, no matter who is questioning it.

Our Vaccine Compromise

I admit that when River was first born, I didn’t think too much about the vaccines. Despite the controversy, I figured I’d gone through the schedule just fine and I expected we’d follow the recommended guidelines. So we did the Hep B shot at birth. And we did the 2-month-old series.

To my surprise, the day he got the five shots at two months old was the worst day of his life so far. At the time of the shots, his cries mixed with fear, shock and surprise as he was priced not once, but again and again and again, as if to ask, how could you do this to me? That afternoon, he cried inconsolably. Even a pediatric nurse who was helping us out was unable to settle him. He needed infant Tylenol, but lots of love and soothing. At that point, I began to research vaccines.

I found most of the information I found online to be biased somehow. The anti-vaccine people seem to like to scare parents. And the pro-vaccine people like to scare parents the other way.

I found The Vaccine Book, by Dr. Sears, to be a pretty balanced account. I appreciated the great detail it went into on each vaccine. And I appreciated that different schedules were provided based on parent’s concern.

Based on my readings and discussions I had with researchers at the University of North Carolina, I felt that the risk most likely didn’t come from any particular vaccine, but from putting so many vaccines at once into such an immature immune system.

Given that my husband is strongly pro-vaccine, that I travel a lot and therefore have more exposure to various illnesses (and wanted to be able to bring River with me) and that I had concerns about the number of vaccines given, this is the compromise agreement we reached·:

• We give only vaccine at a time, spaced out in the time before the next round begins. We did them one at a time so I could see which ones bothered him. If time, distance or the co-pays were an issue, I’d do two at a time, with no more than one live virus given at once. But since we live ear the doctors, have the time, and can afford the $15 co-pay, we’ll stay with one at a time as long as it’s practical.
• We give two doses of infant vitamin C (I originally bought it at Whole Foods, but found it cheaper at http://www.vitacost.com/) on the day before, the day of, and the day after a vaccine.
• River receives breastmilk prior to and immediately after receiving a vaccine.

Some say that getting so many shots individually increases the amount the baby
cries overall. This hasn’t been true for us. He receives some shots without crying at all. For others he cries a matter of seconds. I think the heavy crying at his two month shots was due not so much to the pain, but to the surprise that we’d allow him to be hurt again and again.

Every family will come up with the plan that works for them. For us, this plan has provided a good balance between protection from disease and minimizing the risks of vaccines.

Nine Days Without Baby - end

I made it home at the end of nine nights and ten days and found that my baby didn’t seem to have been affected at all by my absence. He returned to breastfeeding instantaneously. He warmed up to me instantly. The only odd moment was when he repeated bit (hard) my nipple while breastfeeding, the same way he does a bottle nipple. After removing him from the breast each time he did that, he never did it again.

My milk supply was reduced and I had to give him between 1 and 3 bottles a day for the first week or two after I returned.

I learned that it is possible to go away for that long and to continue breastfeeding, as long as one is willing to spend a lot of time pumping. I learned that babies can be happy as long as they are being well cared for and that I shouldn’t overvalue myself. I learned that while I sometimes disagree with some of my husband’s parenting choices, River was in good shape at the end of the period. And I learned that babies don’t forget boobies, even when they’ve been gone a (relatively) long time.