New experiences the second time around

Some new parenting experiences I’ve had recently include:

1. Being asked to leave the gym floor after walking on the treadmill (on a flat incline at 2.7 miles per hour) while carrying Willow in the Ergo. Since the gym wouldn’t take her into childcare until three months and wouldn’t let me exercise with her attached to me, I basically can’t use my gym membership. Yes, I know people can trip on treadmills. But I can trip on a curb outside too (but it’s much colder there) and I also could have tripped on the treadmill while nine months pregnant. I was so bummed at not being allowed to exercise I almost burst into tears.

2. I breastfed while having my teeth cleaned. Willow arrived hungry and started crying as soon as we entered the room. I told the hygienist I’d do whatever was easier for her – either feed Willow while she did the cleaning or let her cry until the cleaning was done. She told me to go ahead and feed her, she did the cleaning, and it worked fine. Who would have known?

In addition to those fun things, I’ve been getting a few comments that perhaps lead me to believe that River is under more stress than I might think. One of my friends (the mom of River’s best bud) has twice commented that River seems “sad.” She’s offered to let us drop him off at their place so they can help restore his happy self. The attendant at our church nursery commented that he was blinking a lot, as though he had a tic, something I hadn’t noticed. I have noticed that he has his finger in his nose a lot, which is listed as one of the signs of stress common in three-year olds in a book I’m reading. And then there was our recent trip to a museum, in which he asked if I could “leave Willow,” so that he and I could eat lunch alone in a café.

Mark doesn’t buy it. He thinks River is fine. Perhaps River is fine with Mark, because he is getting more time and attention from him than he used to. But I think he may be sad about the time he has lost with me and this makes me sad. Just yesterday, he kept asking for attention and I felt annoyed, harried, impatient. I knew what he needed and I wanted to give it to him, but I was tired and felt I was dealing with too many demands.

For now, our alone time consists of the one hour weekly Spanish story times at the library. I hope to be able to take him out, alone, on some fun excursions again. Though I know it will be a while before I can do that. I just hope that we don’t lose our bond in the meantime.

Monster-sized firstborn

People told me that as soon as number two came along, number one would suddenly seem huge. That was easy enough to believe. The newborn stage is so short, it’s easy to forget how small they start out. River seems small compared to most people, but compared to someone a fraction of his size, of course he’d seem large.

But I didn’t understand how huge, how truly ginormous he would appear to me. Suddenly his hands looked almost adult-sized. His head is like a basketball. His limbs are long and even his private part seems like it’s gotten bigger.

What is strangest is that when I look back at photos of River, from just a few days before Willow was born, he still appears small to me, like a little toddler. There seems to be an innocence in his eyes that has been diminished upon becoming a sibling, as though it’s an effect of realizing that his parents’ hearts have space for another, that he is not the only one.

The Happiest Toddler on the Block compares the arrival of a sibling with a husband bringing home a second wife, along with the promise that you’ll get used to her and in time, will have fun playing together.

I’m able to spend a little more time with River now. I’m able to occasionally read him his bedtime story. But I can’t give him the concentrated attention he used to receive. I feel like I’m not patient enough with him. I long for when I can take him out for a day of quality mom time. And I remind myself that time is coming. I just hope that in the interim, we don’t lose the bond we once had. He’s now looking more towards others for the support and recognition he needs. This has been a good thing for his relation with dad. He’s finally showing dad some much-deserved affection.

Yes, the heart can expand to absorb two. But time doesn’t have the same ability to stretch. I worry that the limits on my time will make him feel I’m not there for him in the way I was before, and will change the trust and confidence we had in each other.

Does this get better with time?

One of those 'holy crap' days

In the just over a week that I’ve been a parent of two, I’ve alternated between thinking this isn’t so bad, that babies aren’t as much work as I thought, and feeling strangely happy and motivated to spend the couple spare minutes I have in a day on household tasks.

The other days are like today, in which I think, holy shit, how do I manage this. Today was the first day I started to feel a bit bummed, as though this is overwhelming. Even looking at email stresses me out because I can’t imagine how I’ll find time to respond to all the messages I should answer.

First River gets sent home from preschool with pink eye, just as he has recovered from a fever. We go from him never being sick at all to suddenly going from one malady to another.

Then we go to the doctor, the whole family, and Willow’s poop explodes through her diaper for the first time, staining her sleepsack and her Bundle Me. I felt like I was a better mom this time around, as I actually brought a spare diaper and some wipes (I often didn’t with River). But as soon as I placed the spare diaper under her bum, she peed. I didn’t have another spare. Nor did I have an extra outfit. We had to go back outside with her dressed only in a t-shirt and plopped into the Bundle Me.

We’re still dealing with the thrush and now the doctor says I should look into having her frenulum cut, as it may be short and this could be causing some of the breastfeeding pain, and perhaps could be an issue with speech later. So I had to make an appointment with a pediatric throat specialist.

The best part of my day was getting the medicines at the pharmacy because I got to walk home, spending a good 20 minutes alone, outside, in the sunshine.

From that point on, Willow has been on my boob for a solid five hours. It’s already like a knife going through me when she attaches, especially on the left side. Even better when I get to spend five hours with her going from one side to the next and back again. We had a sitter around all afternoon, but I couldn’t give her to the sitter and take a break because every time I did, she’d start rooting again.

At the same time, River was freaking out about the drops I had to put in his eyes and nose, and begging for mom to read him a nap-time story, give him his medicine, pay him some darn attention. With the exception of a single storytime and a 30-minute walk in the snow yesterday, I have spent no time with him in the last week. It’s painful to him and to me and is just one more thing stressing me out.

I was getting exhausted and frustrated and felt glued to the chair. My back is killing me from constantly bending over to breastfeed. Finally, I figured out that she couldn’t possibly be eating for five hours straight and that she was using me as a pacifier. I pulled out the pacifier we got from the hospital and voila, she sucked calmly. Why didn’t I think of that earlier?

I’m crossing my fingers that since she spent the whole day awake and sucking, that will result in some good sleep for both of us tonight. I need it. I can’t fathom how I’m going to finish my exam, or do anything else of substance, at this rate.

This too shall pass, I remind myself, and she will only be my 7.5 pound baby doll now. I am trying to treasure it.

Books to prepare a toddler to become a big brother

I asked our local juvenile librarian to suggest some books we could read to River to prepare him for the arrival of a new sibling. She kindly put together a package of books and DVDs. These seem to focus on becoming a big brother, so I’d imagine there are additional big sister materials available. Here are her recommendations, in case they are of interest to others.

La hermanita de spot (Spot’s baby sister) (In Spanish) by Eric Hill

I’m a big brother by Joanna Cole – written in the perspective of a new big brother, who takes the change with positivity.

Best-ever big brother by Karen Katz

My big brother by Valorie Fisher
-This one is not only good to read pre-baby, but looks like a good book to read to the baby, within earshot of the big brother. It is written from the perspective of a baby who idolizes their big brother.

Little Bear is a big brother by Jutta Langreuter

Big brother by Charlotte Zolotow

Arthur. Big brother Binky (DVD)
There are three episodes on this DVD. The first episode deals with the parents deciding to adopt a baby girl from China, and how their biological son adapts to this change.

Dear Baby: Letters from your big brother by Sarah Sullivan

Kids’ book to welcome a new baby: fun for a big brother or big sister by Barbara Collman.

Little Rabbit’s new baby by Harry Horse

Three bears and a new baby (DVD)

You’re a brother, little Bunny by Maribeth Boelts

The Rugrats movie (DVD)

Oonga Boonga by Frieda Wishinsky

When the new baby comes, I’m moving out by Martha Alexander

Others:
The New Baby at Your House by Joanna Cole
-It’s an older book, published in 1988, but nice in that it uses photos of real families, toddlers and babies, explaining what babies can and can’t do and how parents relate to younger and older sibling. It gives a realistic portrayal of what the change may be like.

Breaking the news

Today I told River that he’s going to be a big brother. I pointed to my belly, told him there was a baby inside, and that in three months, a little girl would come out. I asked if he wanted to be a big brother and to have a baby around and he smiled, then said yes. Other than that, he just said, Si, si, as though it was the most natural thing in the world to hear your mother has a baby in her belly.

I was planning to wait another few weeks. But River has been a bit clingy and anxious lately. Mark thinks it’s because of his fever. But I worry it’s because he senses changes on the horizon. I didn’t want to think he could be anxious because I’m withholding information from him. So I gave him the basics and will soon get some books we can read to him to discuss it in more detail.

Any suggestions of favorite books for soon-to-be big brothers/sisters?

Noticing the signs

The signs of an incoming baby are pretty obvious to anyone who spends time in our house.

While we’ve talked about my pregnancy with other adults in River’s presence, we haven’t directly told him yet and we assume he doesn’t really know what’s coming. I read a book that suggested waiting until the third trimester to tell a toddler. That way, they can already see mom’s stomach is bigger (and perhaps imagine a baby inside), and the sense of a few months or weeks is easier to handle than something many months away.

River doesn’t seem to have noticed any changes in my stomach and his recent interest in walking on top of us as we lay down presents a bit of a risk. But he is starting to notice the accessories.

First it was the diapers coming in. He’d help me open the package received in the mail, see that it was diapers, then he would want to open the box of diapers.

“No,” I’d say. “Let’s leave it closed. And that way if a baby comes to visit us and needs a clean diaper, we’ll have one to give it.”

“Okay!” he’d say, as though that made perfect sense. We have had babies come to visit, so I suppose it was feasible.

But the other day a friend dropped off a bouncy chair, which sat in our living room for several days. That seemed to attract River’s attention in a new way.

“Mira!” he’d exclaim, every time he came down the stairs. “That’s for babies! For small babies!”

Yes, I would tell him. He knew he couldn’t sit in it and he didn’t try. But when I explained that a baby could be rocked in it, he practiced. Something in his voice – urgent, high-pitched, repeating the same observation day after day – made me think that he knew this meant something. He seems to like babies and is gentle with the ones he’s met. I think he’ll be OK with the idea of a baby in the house. Perhaps it’s just the uncertainly of him feeling like something is changing, but he doesn’t know what.

We put the bouncy seat in the attic for the next several months. In a couple months, when I get bigger, and the due date gets closer, we’ll start to read him books about siblings and the arrival of new babies. Can anyone offer suggestions of good ones?