Waiting

The ring is out and I’m waiting for my period to appear. Doesn’t it
usually appear right away after removing the ring? Or does it take a
day or two? Normally I don’t pay so much attention. But this time I’m
waiting for it anxiously.

It is so freaky to think that a being could potentially be in the
process of creation inside me, without me being cognizant nor
approving of the process. It only reinforces my belief that women
must be able to make these choices for themselves. It is too big of a
physical, emotional and financial investment to happen to someone
against their will.

If by chance, I am pregnant, we would keep the baby. While it’s not
ideal, a 2.5 year gap is not so horrible. We have the capacity to
care for it and at 2.5, River would probably be at a stage at which a
new arrival wouldn’t detract so much from his needs. That said, I’m
still crossing my fingers that we will have a gap larger than 2.5
years.

Another topic that I find myself thinking about is control. With the
first pregnancy, I had been charting my cycles for months. I knew
exactly when the egg was released, when conception likely occurred,
when the symptoms began and what they were. Should I become pregnant
now, it’s without knowing all of that.

Part of me likes it and wonders if we make an attempt in the future,
if I should adopt this more laid back approach. It’s more relaxed.
It happens or it doesn’t. Perhaps I’m not feeling symptoms because
they aren’t there. Perhaps I’m not feeling there because I’m not
obsessing about it on a spreadsheet. The baby comes at some time or
another, regardless of whether or not I can chart out its likely
arrival.

On the other hand, I feel like the medical system tends to make women
feel pretty powerless over their bodies. I like knowing more than the
doctors do. It’s nice to feel more confident in what is happening and
what I can expect based on what I know. Perhaps the strongest factor
that would lead me to be anal-retentive once again is that I’d like to
use the techniques recommended in Taking Charge of Your Fertility for
increasing the chances of a girl. Another boy would be fine. The one
we have is great. But one of each would be ideal.

Or perhaps the oops moment has arrived and then being anal would no
longer be a choice. I would just have to sit back and adjust, which I
suppose is possible too.