Maybe

So, according to my chart, I have ovulated, there was some activity in the period shortly before ovulation, and now I’ve got a week or so to see whether or not there is a spike in temperature that indicates implantation. I picked up a few pregnancy tests from a neighbor via Freecycle, but they are more for Mark’s confirmation than mine. If I see that spike, to me, it’s confirmation of pregnancy. As long as the temperature remains at an elevated level, I know the pregnancy is continuing. If a second pregnancy would be anything like the first, the symptoms came in strong right after implantation, which only confirmed what I learned from my temperature. I’m not one of those people who could be pregnant for a long time and not know it.

This is a weird period of time in which perhaps there is a fertilized egg floating through my body. Perhaps it will settle in and become the start of a person who will impact my life from this point forward. Perhaps it won’t implant and will come out with the menstrual flow, without my ever knowing of its existence. Perhaps there is no fertilized egg at all.

My feelings about it change on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. A week or so ago I think I wished for it not to happen. I didn’t want to be medicated at the time of conception. I wanted to make more of an effort for a girl (if it happens this month, the odds of a boy are fairly good). Then I realized that I would accept it if it happens. And I thought that if this is in our near future, perhaps it’s better to get it over with and not play the waiting game. And my baby is truly a big boy now. He looks at me with the eyes of a real, independent person. I think he’s gotten to the point where he could benefit from a sibling, and I’ve gotten to the point where I could take on a baby again.

Weird stuff

I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant. We haven’t gotten to the part of actually trying. Though we are in the realm of a surprise being possible. Which partially makes me happy. But mostly makes me feel guilty, since I’m loaded up on antibiotics and Mark is taking a medication. Before a planned try, I’d rather eliminate the drugs in our system. But if it happens, it happens.

Anyway, for someone who doesn’t quite want to be pregnant yet, I’m doing weird things. Like looking online at maternity clothes and coming seriously close to buying some. Like looking up baby names. Like taking a breast pump that was offered on freecycle.

The kind of things that I’m going to feel really stupid about if I end up not being able to get pregnant. Though so far, I’ve still (barely) refrained from actual purchases, which I think would be the most regrettable thing to do. For now, I’m just wasting time when I could and should be doing something more productive. Transitioning myself, perhaps, into the mind of a woman ready for a number two.

On the more positive sign side, I do think that River now, at 28 months, is probably ready to handle a sibling. I think it would have been hard to predict that in advance, to count backward to 28 minus 9 to time a second sibling for when it would affect him less. I’m still glad we didn’t because even if he’s ready now, I’m not necessarily ready for two at this moment. But I’m getting to where I could make myself ready nine months from now. River is becoming a little man, independent and engaged with the world and other children. I think even now he might appreciate another playmate. By the time he’s three, hopefully he’ll both welcome a new playmate and have enough going on his life to not fully feel the effects of no longer being the sole recipient of parental attention.

Planning

I’m starting to mentally wrap my mind around the idea of a second. I’m not really ready yet. I still don’t want to go through a pregnancy or a childbirth. I still weigh more than I’d like to before getting pregnant. My work situation is not perfect. But I also know that waiting a lot longer doesn’t make a lot of sense either. So I’m starting to get prepared.

I’m off the birth control and back to charting my cycles. I’m through one month and back to a sense of how things are working. I’m picking up a couple of free pregnancy tests from a freecycle neighbor this evening, just to have on hand. I’m setting up doctor’s appointments to for general health checks. I’m planning trips and vacations this year with the expectation that travel next year will be much more difficult with a baby in tow. And I came SO close to buying a Big Bro shirt that was on clearance at Gymboree. We haven’t even made an attempt yet and I’m already on the verge of buying clothing that makes an announcement. That, to me, is what says I am about as ready as I’m going to be.

Phew!

It’s here. Thank you. So glad to keep my body for myself a while longer and to enjoy the balance our family of three has lately found. Life is OK right now. No need to change it.

Despite my nervousness, another part of me figured that it just wasn’t possible to be pregnant and to not feel horrible. I suppose for some lucky people it is, but with the rough first trimester I had last time, the thought of being pregnant and feeling normal seemed too unbelievable to be true.

Waiting

The ring is out and I’m waiting for my period to appear. Doesn’t it
usually appear right away after removing the ring? Or does it take a
day or two? Normally I don’t pay so much attention. But this time I’m
waiting for it anxiously.

It is so freaky to think that a being could potentially be in the
process of creation inside me, without me being cognizant nor
approving of the process. It only reinforces my belief that women
must be able to make these choices for themselves. It is too big of a
physical, emotional and financial investment to happen to someone
against their will.

If by chance, I am pregnant, we would keep the baby. While it’s not
ideal, a 2.5 year gap is not so horrible. We have the capacity to
care for it and at 2.5, River would probably be at a stage at which a
new arrival wouldn’t detract so much from his needs. That said, I’m
still crossing my fingers that we will have a gap larger than 2.5
years.

Another topic that I find myself thinking about is control. With the
first pregnancy, I had been charting my cycles for months. I knew
exactly when the egg was released, when conception likely occurred,
when the symptoms began and what they were. Should I become pregnant
now, it’s without knowing all of that.

Part of me likes it and wonders if we make an attempt in the future,
if I should adopt this more laid back approach. It’s more relaxed.
It happens or it doesn’t. Perhaps I’m not feeling symptoms because
they aren’t there. Perhaps I’m not feeling there because I’m not
obsessing about it on a spreadsheet. The baby comes at some time or
another, regardless of whether or not I can chart out its likely
arrival.

On the other hand, I feel like the medical system tends to make women
feel pretty powerless over their bodies. I like knowing more than the
doctors do. It’s nice to feel more confident in what is happening and
what I can expect based on what I know. Perhaps the strongest factor
that would lead me to be anal-retentive once again is that I’d like to
use the techniques recommended in Taking Charge of Your Fertility for
increasing the chances of a girl. Another boy would be fine. The one
we have is great. But one of each would be ideal.

Or perhaps the oops moment has arrived and then being anal would no
longer be a choice. I would just have to sit back and adjust, which I
suppose is possible too.

Whoops

It was just under a year ago when we were a little less careful than usual about birth control. My periods had resumed 11 months after River’s birth, I finally had a bit of a sex drive and poor Mark had gone almost a year with fairly low fulfillment. I was still breastfeeding, so I hadn’t chosen a birth control method yet, and there was at least one potential oops moment. At the time, I thought about taking the morning after pill, then decided against it, figuring that we’d deal with whatever came about.

Thank goodness I didn’t get pregnant because that would mean I’d have another baby on my hands at this moment and I’m really glad that I don’t. It would have meant that I couldn’t have started this new job, it would have been extra stress with the house search and it would have pulled a lot of attention away from River, just when I’m very much enjoying spending time with him.

Yesterday I found myself unusually tired, enough so that Mark worked around the house through the afternoon and I took a nap – an unusual reversal of our energy levels. I couldn’t be pregnant, I thought. Then realized that I’d forgotten to put my Nuva Ring back in after temporarily removing it. It can be out for 3 hours a day, but this was closer to 24 hours. Yikes. I also put it in a day late this month, so I think this is officially a whoops.

I starting googling what it means to leave it out for too long and there wasn’t much information out there. If by chance, I could have become pregnant, is putting it back in going to prevent implantation, cause a miscarriage, or just result in a deformed fetus? I don’t really know. But I put it back in anyway because if it lowers the odds of a pregnancy that’s good.

While I could handle a 30-month spacing much better than an 18-month gap, I’m still not ready for a second yet. I just started this job and would like to be able to prove myself and build up some capital before announcing a pregnancy. Things are finally starting to settle down, as I get used to the new job and the new house and all that entails. After a fairly crazy 2009, I’m looking forward to a much calmer 2010, with no major life events planned.

I hope this will turn out to be a Whoops, I was a bit irresponsible moment. And not a Whoops, I have to realign my goals and expectations moment. We’ll see.

Whew!

I was sure happy to get my period this month. I thought we could have had a little surprise. When I returned from my trip, I told my husband I’d already ovulated. Then when I sat and counted the days more carefully, plus thought about the possibility that the international travel could have messed with the ovulation, I wondered if I might have screwed up.

I happened to have my annual gyn. exam the next day, so I could have asked for a morning after pill. I thought about it, but I didn’t. As much as I wouldn’t be eager to have another child now, I figured if it happened, it happened. We do plan on one eventually and while now wouldn’t be ideal, it wouldn’t be unworkable either.

One reason another child wouldn’t be ideal is that I’m trying to get back to work. Being pregnant while job hunting would definitely not help the search. Then, as I realize the job search might be tougher than I first thought, I start to think that maybe it would make sense to have a child now after all. As long as I’m unemployed, I might as well be productive in doing something. The fact that we already have a babysitter would make childcare arrangements easier and cheaper.

Despite all that, I would mostly be disappointed to be pregnant now because I’d still like to give River the individual attention I think he deserves (and that I enjoy giving him) for a while more. While a pregnancy now would make a two year gap, which I suppose is acceptable and plenty of people do it, I think River is still young. A 3-4 year gap would be ideal in my opinion. I’d like him to be potty trained and able to do some basic things for himself before a sibling appears. I’d like for him to be in preschool, to have a little bit of his own world, before we pull attention away towards another child. I’d like to be able to give the second child the attention that River has received, or close to it.

What would be most ironic about a pregnancy now is that my birth control (I’m going to try the Nuva ring) is sitting in the fridge, waiting until the Sunday after my period to be put into use. First I waited 11 months to get my period, then I wanted to see what my standard cycle post-birth was, then I took some time to look into options, delayed starting since there was no point in being on hormones while traveling, and planned to begin after my first period upon returning home. After all that, how ironic would it be for us to screw up just days beforehand?

Luckily, we didn’t. And I’m strangely glad that I didn’t ask for the morning after pill, so I won’t wonder whether maybe there would have been a little one.

I’ll be starting on the Nuva tomorrow. Has anyone used it? Any thoughts?

Since another child is not on our short-term horizon, I’m crossing my fingers that I can find some sort of halfway-meaningful employment by the summer.