Open for betting

Today is the day I’d be willing to wager that I’m pregnant. It started out with a slightly nauseous, slightly want to puke, slightly crampy, slightly gassy feeling in my statistics class, along with some light burping. Perhaps it could just be the subject matter, but it set me wondering. The light burping continued throughout the day, and I recalled from the records of my first pregnancy that burping was one of my very first signs.

In the evening, when my husband rubbed my face, I found the scent of his hand overpowering. I told him it smelled like his food. Soon, the scent of the item wafted in from the kitchen and it was so strong to me I had to know what it was. It was an everything bagel. A suddenly canine-like sense of smell also came with my first pregnancy.

I’m not saying anything to Mark until I’m much more certain than this. While I imagine he has come to accept the idea of a second child, I don’t think he’ll be overjoyed and I don’t want him to stress about it if it’s actually not happening.

But as for me, I think I’m pregnant. And I noticed a few things:
1. Despite it having only a couple of cells at most, I mentally referred to it once as my baby. That’s huge, given that I didn’t even conceive of River as being human until the 25 week 4-d ultrasound. And even then, I didn’t feel much of a bond with him.

2. Because of number 1, I think it would be hard to be pregnant, then lose it.

3. I found it weird, and surreal, to sit in a lecture hall of students, or to sit in a meeting at work, and imagine that a life is starting within me as I go about my daily activities.

4. That I’d find it kind of embarrassing to claim all these potential symptoms, only to find out it’s nothing more than pms. So luckily, I’m way behind on posting my blog and this probably won’t appear until I have a better idea of whether or not there is any substance to it.

5. That I’ve learned to get sleep, and appreciate it, when available. So if I am pregnant, I will take advantage of all possible naps.

Crabby mom

I’m in a foul mood tonight. Cranky and negative for no apparent reason. Cranky enough that Mark offered to go buy me some dark chocolate, which I had expressed a craving for. That did seem to help.

I wonder if I might be PMS’ing, something I haven’t experienced in a while. Or I might be feeling blue because the breastfeeding is really reaching its end. I know I’ve written about this before. But it seems this might be the end end. There is still milk in both breasts, though River will only take the left, if that. I later discovered that the milk from the right breast now has a salty taste, so I can understand why he goes for the other.

In the past few days, he either sucks for a very short period of time, or he’ll see the breast and either turn his face away or shake his head no. Like “No mom, I’m over that now.”

OK, I’ll accept it. I really will. He’s 12 months old. He’ll be fine. I will probably have another child someday so it’s not the end of the breastfeeding experience. I will have extra freedom, like not necessarily having to get up for the morning feeding, not having to return before his bedtime feeding, not worrying about breastfeeding if I want to go out of town for a few days. Nevertheless, there’s always a certain sadness in being rejected. And a nostalgia for the special time we shared together and that he’s now moving beyond.