Joy in the details

The other day, when River awoke from his nap, he was repeating over and over with great excitement, “Muchas cosas! Muchas cosas! (Many things! Many things!).” I wondered what he could be talking about, entrapped as he is in his crib.

Upon entering, I found him staring at his blankie, one I hadn’t used in quite some time. “Look mama! Muchas cosas!” he said, showing me the blanket. We looked at it and identified a diaper, a bottle, a rattle, a duck, a bear, several numbers and letters, etc.

Another day, he paused before letting me take him out of the crib because, due to the bright afternoon sunlight, he noticed the dust flying through the air.

“What’s that?”

“It’s dust.”

“There is a lot of dust,” he said, and reached out to try to catch some pieces. He was so fascinated by it, in the same way he was fascinated by the variety of objects depicted on his blanket. It brings me back to the joy of the details, to the thrill of discovery, to one of the best parts of living.

Recognizing rules

I’ve lately been receiving signs that River understands and remembers rules and it’s an interesting development to observe. When I get him in the morning and his pants are wet, he says, “No pepe en los pantalones (no pee in the pants).”

The other day, I had to give him a time out when he was already dressed to go, with shoes and coat on. When I took him out of his crib and led him downstairs, he said, “No zapatos en la casa (no shoes in the house).”

“You are right,” I said, and carried him downstairs.

Part of me fears becoming like my mother. She didn’t allow shoes in the house either and we hated that rule. But another part of me just spent several thousand dollars refinishing the floors and would like them to last. Also, I’m so far from being the neat perfectionist on home-related matters that my mother is. I do think it’s good to have boundaries and for children to know what it expected. We’ll need to pay attention to set and enforce rules we think are important and be willing to bend on things that are less important.

In the meantime, it’s really cool to see evidence that at 28 months, River knows what is expected of him and makes an effort to comply.

Sharing the news

I told Mark last night. Or rather, he guessed. Earlier in the evening, he asked if I was happy and I said yes. He asked why and I said I’d tell him a bit later. He read it from me there.

I knew he wasn’t thrilled about more children, but he handled it calmly and we spent some tender moments together that evening.

But he found himself up between 2 and 5 a.m., unable to sleep due to stress. “My conscious took the news OK. But I guess my subconscious didn’t,” he said.

I feel bad that he feels stressed out. But I think he had similar feelings about River. And now he loves River and is glad to have him in his life. And, finally, River is starting to show some positive attention to dad. So I hope it’s just a general resistance to change and that it will all work out for the best.

As for me, I’m doing fairly well. It’s pretty thrilling to have an appetite and energy. I’m setting myself ambitious exercise goals to fulfill while I still can. Yet, the beginnings of nausea appear to be coming on. It is still minor and still doesn’t affect my rather significant appetite. But I kind of feel I’m on a boat at sea, with a little rock here and there that doesn’t let me forget I’m floating.

One symptom I definitely have is fatigue. Oh, for the opportunity to take an afternoon nap at home. Where are you Latin American schedule with a two-hour lunch break? By 3 p.m. I am seriously ready for a nap.

Positive

I took the test this morning and it’s positive. So now I can really acclimate myself to the idea of being pregnant. I haven’t told anyone yet and I suppose Mark should be first. Two women announced pregnancies on a parenting group I belong to (both due about a month before me) and I was tempted to chime in. But I held back.

The announcements came in the form of asking for advice about morning sickness. While I generally feel like crap, I think it’s more allergies and a possible cold than morning sickness. My appetite is fine and I’m not turned off by any foods.

I went back and looked at the records from my first pregnancy. At this stage last time, I’d been experiencing morning sickness for several days. Part of me says yay! Is it possible could be saved that misery this time around? It would certainly make keeping my job easier if I didn’t have that to deal with and to attempt to hide.

But another (masochistic) part of me mourns not having it. It helped keep my weight down. I already weigh a bit more than I’d like. Seeing what I gained last time around in the third trimester, I really need to avoid weight gain in the first trimester.

For now, I’ll remain grateful that I can function and will try to step up the exercise.

Just in case

Just in case I am pregnant, I thought I should perhaps snap a quick belly shot – so I have a reminder of what it looks like without stretch marks and with a bit of remaining tone. It could be the last time I see that.

Due date?

I just looked at an online due date calendar and according to the date of my last menstrual period, my due date would be December 28. It says a pregnancy test could have picked up a pregnancy four days ago, that the first heartbeat would be on May 5th (yikes!). I think the dates would be 2-4 days later for me, given my longer cycles. So that would mean a due date in the Christmas to New Year’s region. Perhaps an incentive to induce for a last minute tax credit. I don’t know why I don’t take a pregnancy test, since I think I’d probably get an answer now. I prefer to wait until my temperature has been high for 18 days. Which is only two days from now. Then I can feel pretty confident about what the result will be.

I went to a baby shower today – a really fancy affair, where a three course meal was served at a restaurant and the mom-to-be got enough clothes so the baby will have a different outfit per day for the first several months. And enough books to fill a bookshelf. If anything, I was envious of the book selection. I think the baby is lucky to have that much imagination and fantasy so early in life I’m still waiting eagerly for the box of 140 books in Spanish I recently purchased on ebay. I think it will be about as exciting to me to fill River’s shelves as it will be for him.

I’m very happy for my friend, who is expecting her first. Though she is a slender person, she is very large at 35 weeks, bigger than I think I ever was in my pregnancy, even with my extra 65 pounds. It doesn’t look comfortable at all and I pity her having to move around that way for another five weeks. Yet I now have a better understanding of what the end result is, which makes it more worth it. If I am pregnant, I will convince Mark to replace our ten-year-old mattress with a good one. I’ve learned that third trimester pregnant women need all the help getting quality sleep they can get.

Wager is off

As of yesterday, I’d say my wager is off. The cramping and painful feeling is probably nothing more than menstrual cramps. My temperature isn’t shooting up as it should and the heightened sense of smell doesn’t seem to have stuck around. So I tell myself that’s it, it’s not happening this month, I’ll have to wait until next month.

I’m tempted to use a pregnancy test to get a definite answer. But the environmentalist part of me says no, I’m not going to put a plastic thing in the landfill when I can get an answer without a tool in a matter of days. Those are for confirming a yes, not confirming a no.

Then, as soon as I tell myself it’s not happening, I’ll have a few light burps, making me think – well, maybe.

Assuming it’s not happening, it makes me wonder – was it all in my head, or was there a fertilized egg that implanted, but couldn’t thrive? I remember learning in a course on reproductive technology that something like 30% of fertilized eggs don’t end up attaching and are discarded with the menstrual flow. So was there a beginning to a child? I guess there are some things I can never know.

Quality time

Last night I watched an episode of Supernanny in which Jo told the family they were neglecting their kids. The mom worked full-time and spent every other spare minute cleaning. The dad worked full-time and spent the rest of his time resting on the couch. The kids had toys, clothing and nice enough home, but they weren’t receiving enough of their parents’ attention.

It made me wonder if I’m neglecting River. I love spending time with him when it involves an activity. I’m happy to take him to the library, for a walk, a bike ride, to a nature preserve, a farm, a presentation, a concert, a party. I’ll cook with him, I’ll read him a ton of books. But in terms of sit down on the floor and play what interests him, I don’t do a lot of that.

When I’ve tried, I’ve found I don’t really enjoy pushing cars or trains around. I have to struggle to come up with a story about what is happening with the cars. He seems to appreciate it when I do, but it feels a bit forced to me. I’ll build for a little while – we had some fun with a marble tower we picked up recently – and I’ll color for a little. But I rarely set up play-doh or clay or other arts and crafts.

My husband spends less quality time with River than I do. While I try to fit in chores, exercise or social obligations into my time with him, Mark tries to get in personal entertainment – frequently watching movies or TV shows that interest him. So if I’m failing, then as a team we are definitely failing.

At only 28 months, River is already saying, “No more work!” and “Please play with me!” He’ll grab me by my two index fingers, lead me over to the bean bag and fall into in. I’m supposed to follow suit. Once I’m situated in the bean bag, he seems to think I’m in place for a while. He’ll go grab some books and we spend time together reading.

Partly, it makes me laugh, because one thing I appreciate about Mark is how he encourages me to slow down and rest sometimes – to not always think about getting things done, as is my nature. Now it seems my son is doing the same thing. But another part of me feels bad. Is he begging for attention because I’m not giving him enough of it? How much is one supposed to give?

How much of the time you spend with your children is actively engaged with them? And how much of are you available, but engaged in something else? Where do you think the balance lies?

Open for betting

Today is the day I’d be willing to wager that I’m pregnant. It started out with a slightly nauseous, slightly want to puke, slightly crampy, slightly gassy feeling in my statistics class, along with some light burping. Perhaps it could just be the subject matter, but it set me wondering. The light burping continued throughout the day, and I recalled from the records of my first pregnancy that burping was one of my very first signs.

In the evening, when my husband rubbed my face, I found the scent of his hand overpowering. I told him it smelled like his food. Soon, the scent of the item wafted in from the kitchen and it was so strong to me I had to know what it was. It was an everything bagel. A suddenly canine-like sense of smell also came with my first pregnancy.

I’m not saying anything to Mark until I’m much more certain than this. While I imagine he has come to accept the idea of a second child, I don’t think he’ll be overjoyed and I don’t want him to stress about it if it’s actually not happening.

But as for me, I think I’m pregnant. And I noticed a few things:
1. Despite it having only a couple of cells at most, I mentally referred to it once as my baby. That’s huge, given that I didn’t even conceive of River as being human until the 25 week 4-d ultrasound. And even then, I didn’t feel much of a bond with him.

2. Because of number 1, I think it would be hard to be pregnant, then lose it.

3. I found it weird, and surreal, to sit in a lecture hall of students, or to sit in a meeting at work, and imagine that a life is starting within me as I go about my daily activities.

4. That I’d find it kind of embarrassing to claim all these potential symptoms, only to find out it’s nothing more than pms. So luckily, I’m way behind on posting my blog and this probably won’t appear until I have a better idea of whether or not there is any substance to it.

5. That I’ve learned to get sleep, and appreciate it, when available. So if I am pregnant, I will take advantage of all possible naps.

Easy

I have great admiration for people who stay at home with babies. I couldn’t do it. I would go mad. I think it’s the constant need to attend to another, without any thanks or gratitude, and with great difficulty in being able to schedule things – like sleep or trips to the store.

But now, all of a sudden, staying home with River doesn’t sound so bad. I would still need a creative outlet and time to pursue that. However, the days would not be long and dreary as before. Now, it’s quite possible they could be fun.

Yesterday was supposed to be family day, but Mark bagged out, needing more personal time. So it was a mommy and River day. And we had a blast. We started out with a 14-mile bike ride. We rode with a group of people that included a 76 year old man, so we took it slow. We spent over three hours enroute, in chilly, windy weather. For the last half of the ride, River had a metal water bottle wedged behind him (which I didn’t realize at the time). Yet he didn’t emit a single complaint, until we were less than a mile from our destination, when he asked to get down. I asked him to wait for one more mile and he did. We identified turtles, ducks, geese and birds, noted flowers, trees and grasses, commented on the canoeists, bikers, runners, walkers and crew regattas. We enjoyed nature, company and exercise together.

Then we joined the bicycle group for a luncheon. River was the youngest person in the room by decades. We both enjoyed a feast, and we both chatted with the others from our ride – a couple of people in their 60s.

From there we headed home. While River napped for over two hours, I got some things done. Mark dressed him and I took him in the car once again – this time to meet friends at an Indian restaurant. They seated us in the back room, where the boys could play. These were the parents of Samuel, River’s best friend. River was so excited to see him, he danced in excitement in advance and sang in the car. When he gave Samuel a hug, it was so intense they both fell to the ground.

My friends brought a great bottle of wine and we enjoyed samosas, naan, spicy shrimp, chicken and goat while the kids largely entertained themselves with a couple of cars.

We stopped at the grocery store on the way home, came home, River went to bed, and the day was over. I had a blast. I didn’t have to change any diapers. I didn’t have to make many special accommodations for him – beyond carrying around his potty and coming home for a nap in the afternoon. I was able to get exercise, socialize, do errands, get stuff done, and really have a fun time with my child. Suddenly, it’s so much easier.

While I want a substantial leave and a flextime work schedule during the first year or so, it’s more in order to breastfeed and in order to not overload myself than it is a desire to spend a lot of time doing childcare. But from this point, 28 months or a bit earlier, I wouldn’t mind spending more time with him. We have a great time together, and I hope we’re creating some early memories, or at least good feelings that will lodge somewhere deep inside him.

Early signs

Though it’s only day 26, there are some preliminary positive signs on my chart that indicate perhaps I could be pregnant. My temperature moved up another notch today. It’s not as large of a jump as happened upon implantation last time. But it’s within the 7-10 day after ovulation timeframe.

I could probably take a pregnancy test and perhaps receive confirmation. But I’d rather figure it out myself. I do like asserting the nominal control I have over the knowledge of my body and it makes me feel good to be able to figure out what is happening with no intervention beyond taking my morning temperature.

If it moves up any more, or stays at this higher level until day 32 (the length of my last cycle) that will appear positive. If it remains there to day 40 or so, I’ll be convinced. Last time the symptoms begin precisely on the day of implantation and within a few days of that, the nausea set in for the long haul. Right now I can’t say I feel any symptoms, other than a slight headache, and being a bit tired. But there are plenty of other potential causes for that – including allergies, work stress and a busy weekend.

I find myself happy with the positive indications. Definitely not excited about the process of pregnancy. Definitely bummed about what my poor stomach would have to endure. Not at all looking forward to not being able to sleep on my side. But glad to have something moving forward in my life.

Weird stuff

I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant. We haven’t gotten to the part of actually trying. Though we are in the realm of a surprise being possible. Which partially makes me happy. But mostly makes me feel guilty, since I’m loaded up on antibiotics and Mark is taking a medication. Before a planned try, I’d rather eliminate the drugs in our system. But if it happens, it happens.

Anyway, for someone who doesn’t quite want to be pregnant yet, I’m doing weird things. Like looking online at maternity clothes and coming seriously close to buying some. Like looking up baby names. Like taking a breast pump that was offered on freecycle.

The kind of things that I’m going to feel really stupid about if I end up not being able to get pregnant. Though so far, I’ve still (barely) refrained from actual purchases, which I think would be the most regrettable thing to do. For now, I’m just wasting time when I could and should be doing something more productive. Transitioning myself, perhaps, into the mind of a woman ready for a number two.

On the more positive sign side, I do think that River now, at 28 months, is probably ready to handle a sibling. I think it would have been hard to predict that in advance, to count backward to 28 minus 9 to time a second sibling for when it would affect him less. I’m still glad we didn’t because even if he’s ready now, I’m not necessarily ready for two at this moment. But I’m getting to where I could make myself ready nine months from now. River is becoming a little man, independent and engaged with the world and other children. I think even now he might appreciate another playmate. By the time he’s three, hopefully he’ll both welcome a new playmate and have enough going on his life to not fully feel the effects of no longer being the sole recipient of parental attention.