The joy of seeing mama

What a joyous experience I had this morning to see and hear my son's pure happiness at my presence. I was about ready to head out for work as he came downstairs. He saw dad and gave him a pleasant enough hello. Then he saw me and his face lit up. Mamaaa!! he said, his eyes wide and bright, his mouth expressing both wonder and joy. Mamaa!!! he walked right past dad, no longer paying him the slighest interest. Then he stopped to point out the treasure he found. "Look, mama!" he said, to Mark, as though he should be similarly overjoyed with my presence. He then walked over to me for a hug and a kiss, twirling my hair and so content to just be near me.

I can't even describe what a wonderful feeling it is to be so loved and wanted. It does make me sad that Mark doesn't get to experience this. But I'm so very grateful that I do. It made me wish I could put off going to work for a couple more hours.

I have a friend who has a very close relationship with her mother. My friend lives overseas and as a result, her mother doesn't get to spend much time with her grandkids. One might think that would drive them apart. When I asked her what made them so close, she said it was the true happiness she heard in her mom's voice every time she called. There was never a question of why haven't you called in so long. But instead, joy and gratitude at the gift of communication.

That's what I feel right now from my son - joy and gratitude for my presence. And that makes me want to be the best mother I can be to him. I hope that as he gets older and we face our respective disappointments, that I can mirror this to him - a consistent gratitude and pleasure in his presence.

The moments that count

It’s been a rough couple of months, with lots of self-doubt, frustration and struggles for balance. Within this, I find that the moments that make me happiest are the fun times I spend with my family. It feels wonderful to be greeted at the door with a high-pitched “Mamaaaaaaa,” and outstretched arms waiting for a hug. I
feel appreciated and validated when my presence is requested to climb on, to be witness to something or to entertain. I don’t need any special skills or talents. I’m not being compared with anyone else. I’m accepted and wanted for who I am.

That’s not to say that I don’t still get joy from other things I used to be passionate about. Upon arrival in Africa, I definitely had a “Cool, I’m in Africa!” moment, where I was thankful I could both be a mother and have that opportunity. I’m still enthusiastic about the appearance of spring buds and flowers, of clean, fresh air, of time with a good book.

But there is something special about family time that makes me feel OK about who I am. That makes me feel I’m doing a good job. And that I’m contributing something that is being appreciated.

A Little Appreciation Goes a Long Way

Last night I attended an event for the low-income beneficiaries of services provided by a non-profit I volunteer with. I was thanked in the brochure they handed out to everyone and one of the beneficiaries thanked me publicly in her speech. That itself was enough to make my day, especially since I’ve been feeling underappreciated and underutilized at work lately. During the reception after the ceremony, I was speaking in Spanish to some of the people I knew and I met a Hispanic man I hadn’t met before, who has hopes of opening a day care. He looked at me questioningly when I started to speak to him in Spanish.

“What are you?” he asked. “Do you speak English?”

I told him that I speak English, but that I love Spanish and speak only in Spanish to my son. He seemed surprised and relieved.

“Thank you,” he said. “It’s not often I come across Caucasian people who speak our language and who want to help us to move ahead.”

He made my day for the second time that day.