Just in time

Yesterday we had our first overdraft in our checking account. And today, a couple of maternity leave checks arrived, in just about the amount needed.

Thank you to the politicians that made paid maternity leave a reality in our state. It’s not a lot of money and it’s not a lot of time, but it helps and is much appreciated.

At seven weeks

Willow has developed rolls of fat around her upper thighs, her neck and her wrists. This is good for her sake (she must be gaining sufficient weight, though I haven’t weighed her since she was 7 pounds 5 oz) and for mine (I must be providing enough milk, despite our difficulties).

I am full-out fighting thrush, but it is still winning. The big crack from the early days is still there. I wonder if my nipples will ever be normal again.

We are getting smiles and coos and these light up our lives. There is nothing more heartwarming than my baby looking up at me and smiling. I feel a great sense of fulfillment in ensuring her happiness and well-being.

I have yet to try pumping or giving Willow a bottle. I’ve wanted to wait until we get over all our breastfeeding problems before I add another element into the picture. I wonder if this is a mistake.

River seems to have returned to his cheerful, good-natured self. He is wonderful with Willow, telling me she needs milk when she cries, giving her kisses, and caressing her fingers. It’s beautiful to watch. Though his relationship with Mark has strengthened in the past several weeks, I still feel our bond and that is reassuring. He watched part of a movie about Lagos with me and asked me repeatedly to take him to Nigeria. I didn’t assent as willingly as I do to his requests to travel to other places (I’d be nervous about going to Lagos myself), but I do love the possibility that he may someday be interested in joining me on some adventures.

I will leave Willow for an hour or two at a time. But since I have no food to leave with whoever is caring for her, it’s a precarious situation. I do it only when it’s necessary (mainly my class – which meets three times a week) or quick (taking River to Spanish story hour or other short outings).

It seems kind of early to me, but it feels like Willow is already on something pretty close to a schedule. She sleeps from somewhere between 6 and 8 p.m. until about 7 a.m., waking up for feedings in between and then going back to sleep. She gets tired in the late morning and might sleep a bit. The best way to get a nap of any significant length is to take her on a car ride. Then I can carry the car seat into the house and if I’m lucky, I might get an hour or two.

A pedometer has been reattached to my hip and I’m slowing increasing my goal for daily movement. I’m now at the rather modest goal of 4,500 steps per day. But even that is forcing me out of the house more, even into the cold. I can’t wait for spring to arrive.

I’m pretty sure I’ve spent more on breastfeeding issues in the past seven weeks than formula would have cost. At some point, I’d like to do the math. Though breastfeeding is something I want to do, and something I want to give my baby, it bothers me when people argue that it’s easy and cheap. Some social assistance programs are now promoting breastfeeding among low-income women. Which might be great. Their babies need the benefits as much as anyone else. But it is not fair to put a lot of pressure on women to breastfeed without also offering the supports needed to do so successfully. As in sufficient time off of work, the time and space to pump at work, the equipment needed to pump, and care for older siblings to allow time to breastfeed and/or pump. I have all of those things and am still struggling enough that at times I wondered if I could continue.

It seems so obvious, but I’m often amazed at just how dependent babies are on those around them. I understand how what happens now, when they are so helpless, can shape them for the long term. Thinking of the babies who are ignored, mistreated or otherwise acquainted with the harshness of the world from their earliest days makes me very sad.

I’m so grateful for the maternity leave I have. If I had to go back now, as many American women do, I’d have to stop breastfeeding. If I had to go back after 12 weeks, I would spend the entire leave either trying to solve breastfeeding problems and/or preparing to pump for work. I wouldn’t be able to experience even a week of relaxed quality time with my baby. And since I’m doubtful I could pump enough right off the bat to cover the absence a full-time job would require, we’d probably have to start supplementing and breastfeeding would then begin its slide.

First day out of office

I wake up tired and cranky from a poor night’s sleep. Despite taking two Tylenol p.m.’s, I lay awake for a long time, my mind rushing over all the inconsequential, but seemingly important things.

The house clears out and I go back to bed, obtaining an extra hour and a half sleep. I wake up refreshed, feeling good, with some energy.

Aaah! This is just what I needed.

A taste of what leave might feel like

I took the day off today, in order to prepare for the brunch/birthday party we are hosting this weekend. I was going to do a bit of work, but computer issues prevented that. So I had a taste of what it’s like to spend a weekday on leave. It was great.

I woke up a half hour later than normal. I didn’t shower. I didn’t get dressed until 11. I was able to move at a leisurely pace as I got River up and could agree to his request to read two stories before we did anything else. I baked a cake, went shopping for party supplies and indulged in a pedicure.

I didn’t plan to nap, thinking I had too much to do. But when I was overcome by fatigue at 3:15, I sunk onto the sofa and fell into sleep. There was nothing to stop me. River helped out by taking a four-hour nap, so we both awoke refreshed. I did more cooking, more preparing, picked up things around the house, and had time to play some more and read more books to River.

I’m ending the day tired, but feel accomplished. Besides the pedicure and the nap, I didn’t do much for myself – no reading, no studying, no exercising. But I loved the time available to get things done, I liked having more down time with River, and I really liked being able to sleep when I needed to.

I’m very much looking forward to my leave.

Maternity leave

At my doctor’s appointment today, I had to ask him to fill out the first of several forms for maternity leave. As this is the first time I’m giving birth while working for an American employer, it’s my first time being exposed to this paperwork. If I recall correctly, all I had to do for my European employer was write a short note and I believed I offered a note from my doctor stating when I should return to the U.S., but they didn’t require that.

While he was filling out the paperwork, he checked the box that I could return to work six weeks after delivery.

“How many of your patients actually return to work after six weeks?” I asked him. That seems so very early to me. His office is in a upper-middle-income area, so I’d expect his patients are, on average, middle or upper middle class.

“About 50%,” he said.

I was shocked. “Is that for financial reasons or because their employers require them to return?”

“It’s mostly for financial reasons,” he said. “Most of them would prefer to stay home longer with the baby.”

He works in an area where people receive some paid leave, not a whole lot, but it’s still one of the best maternity leaves available in the country. But it’s still not enough for 50% of his patients to be able to afford more time with their newborns.

It is my hope that within my lifetime and hopefully sooner, our country will follow the lead of every other developed nation (yep, Australia, the only other former holdout, now offers paid leave) and allow parents the realistic option of spending the time they need with their newborn infants.

On a positive note, my employer approved my leave request – about 2 weeks off before the birth, 6 months after, and transitioning back at 50% time the first month, 60% the next three months, and then back to 80%, where I am now. It will be a financial squeeze for us to lose that income, but it’s less than a year of our lives. We’ll prepare for it as best we can and try to make up for it afterwards. I'm really grateful to have choice in the matter and hopeful that the gradual transition won't force me to chose between work and breastfeeding.

Also, I got my sequential screen results back. Though the risk at my age is 1 in 200 on average, my results for the likelihood of Down’s Syndrome came back at 1 in 10,000. We are very happy about that.

interesting article on women’s return to work in Germany

A colleague of mine, who works full time, recently said to me that she thinks she is more patient with her son than she would be if she stayed home. Because she sees him less, she values the time more and utilizes it better. She told me how she took her son to the doctor’s and the stay-at-home mothers she saw there seemed tired and frazzled, having to deal with their children’s antics constantly.

I think it’s probably a similar situation for me. If I was home all the time, I think I’d need to distract or diver River a lot, both to get things done and to have a little time for myself. When I have the time I need to work and to have some time for myself, I can spend more of the time I have with him on quality interactions. Of course, sometimes I have to cook dinner or get something else done, but I’m usually calm and patient. As long as I only have one tantrum per day max to deal with, I can handle it.

It seems in Germany too, more women are wanting this space for themselves and their professional achievements. I used to work in Germany. Women were given a lot of power and able to rise to high levels. But that was generally only if they didn’t have children. It was hard for women to have children and remain in the company. The expectation seemed to be that they would stay home for at least the first three years.

At the same time, Germany has great parental leave laws that allow either parent to stay home with pay for quite a long time (a year?). A good male German friend of mine stayed home with his daughter for the first 9 months while his wife went back to work. She liked her job better than he did. He took a professional break, becoming a full-time dad. Then he put her into daycare and started his own company.

It’s interesting how the Germans have so many more resources for choice at their disposal, yet struggle culturally with women balancing it all. And when there is that cultural struggle, that will be present in the hiring managers, which can affect a woman’s ability to find the job she wants.

Looking for work

My mind has been a bit occupied in the past days by an interview I had today for a job. I am officially in the market for a job now and there is one place in particular where I think I might really like to work.

It amazes me how much difference a couple of months can make in my readiness to work. I had my last interview in August. That job was great in that it was located only two blocks from home and I knew the people were pretty flexible. I could pop home in the middle of the day or the babysitter could bring River over to me. But the 30% travel was extensive and I wasn’t willing to be away from River so much. Especially at the low pay offered. When they asked about my interest after the interview I said I was interested, but only if I could do it part-time (and with a higher salary). That didn’t work out.

In an ideal world, I’d still take a part-time job. But I’m at the point now where I want to do something interesting. I do want to travel some, especially now that our family budget doesn’t allow for frequent plane tickets. I’m also willing to work a bit more if it means that I’m continuing on with my career. I’m willing to accept full-time, though I’m looking for reasonable hours (no regular evenings or weekends) and I value vacation time more than a higher salary.

I am so grateful to my last employer for allowing me to work from home during my third trimester and giving me five months paid leave. As a result, it looks like I’ve been out of work just over six months, when really it’s been over a year since I’ve done anything of substance. So far, I don’t feel this small gap is affecting me in my job search. I’m hopeful I will be able to both spend my son’s first year with him and return to the workforce without much of a disadvantage.
It is my sincere hope that our society will move to a place where women (and men) return to work after childbirth at the time where they feel comfortable doing so, instead of when they feel pressured. Having a year of leave divided between parents as they see fit seems reasonable to me. Many countries offer much more.

How have others negotiated the return to work after childbirth? If you left your job, how difficult did you find it to return to the workforce?

Thoughts on Infant Daycare

Today I had lunch with two mothers and their babies. Both of these women had had experience with daycare before they had babies and neither of them want to put their infants into daycare.

Ellen used to be a teacher, but once she became pregnant, she knew she couldn’t find a teaching job. So she applied to work at a daycare in our area. It charges parents $1400 a month and has one adult for every four babies. She said the application process was extensive. At the end, when she was offered a job, she said the pay was $10-12 an hour and that she wouldn’t have guaranteed hours.

“I can make more at Lenscrafters,” she told them. And she did.

Now she wants to work more hours, but her mother can only watch the baby one day a week and Ellen isn’t willing to put her 9-month-old son in daycare.

Sandra did work at a daycare. She said it was a daycare that appealed to upper middle class parents, so people expected it to be good. She wasn’t impressed. She worked in the baby room and said there were not supposed to be any more than 12 babies there at one time. Nevertheless, they often had between 18 and 20 babies.

I asked whether parents complained and she said yes, then they would improve things a bit, then it would return to where it was before. She said that when prospective parents came to visit, the owners would tell her to take eight babies out for a walk in a giant stroller for eight they had. Once they were out of sight, the visiting parents saw a much lower caregiver-baby ratio.

She also told me that once, while wiping a babies face, the baby turned her head and Sandra’s marquis cut diamond ring scratched the babies cheek. She told the owner what happened and the owner decided to tell the parent that the baby had been scratched by a toy. Sandra told the mother what really happened and after the mother knew the owner was lying without apparent reason she pulled her baby out.

I asked Sandra whether she wanted her son in daycare when he became older, at the toddler stage. She said she thinks it’s fine then, that she only has a problem with it for babies.

My husband works for a company with a lot of engineers. It’s a very male-dominated workplace. Most of the females who work there and who have stayed on after having children have left their kids in daycare.

“People do it,” Mark tells me. I know they do. And I know it’s the best option available for a lot of people. And I know the kids survive and turn into wonderful people. But for my child, I believe that close, intimate one-on-one (or one on two) attention is the best thing for him at this age. I do believe that all children deserve this. And I think that, as a country, we fail to create the circumstances that give children the best start to life.

I think about the Canadians or the European countries where it is standard to allow at least one parent to stay with the child for the first three years (or a combination of the parents, so each takes a portion of the time off of work). After that, when the child is ready for socialization and interaction, there are government-sponsored preschools available. Due to the family leave policies, the child receives nurturing attention when they need it, they receive socialization and interaction when they need it, and the parent is able to continue on with their career when they are ready.

I’m also rethinking my assumption that private daycares are necessarily the best quality. Yesterday I read an article in the New York Times that claimed that 94% of nursing homes have health or safety violations. Like daycare, it made me think that should our society allow for caring for our parents, most people probably wouldn’t want to put their parents into one of these places if they could help it. The article also stated that the highest violation rates were at the private, for-profit nursing homes. Non-profits did the best job, followed by government homes. When my friend tells me she was offered $10-12 an hour to care for four infants and each parent is paying about $8.75 for the care of one infant, one wonders how much of the cost is going to quality and how much is going to profit.

All this is to say that I think the most vulnerable in our society, the infants and the elderly, deserve better. I know I’m living in an individualistic country. But I hold out hope that one day, people will realize that individuals are better off when people take care of each other.

If I Had to Do it Over Again

If I had it to do over again

If I had the opportunity to go through pregnancy and first childbirth again, knowing what I know now, these are the things I would do differently, and the things I would do the same.

Things I would do over:

• I would restrain my intake of sweets and other junk food during the third trimester and after the birth. Then again, maybe that indulgence was what got me through the experience emotionally. However, it also left me with some extra fat cells that are feeling at home in my body.
• Start pumping earlier – I didn’t start until six or seven weeks, when my supply was probably already established at just the level River needed. As a result, I never had excess and I didn’t get much pumping. I imagine it would have been hard to return to work and continue breastfeeding at 12 weeks. But I did enjoy the one-on-one time with baby, without having a machine attached to me as well. Maybe I’d start a bit earlier if I had it to again, but not a lot.
• Get a hospital grade pump right away – I didn’t research pumps and didn’t even realize there is a difference between hospital grades and those you can purchase in stores. I’d buy one used on ebay (as I ended up doing when River was 8 months old). Lactina Selects are now running about $350 used and seem to maintain their value pretty well.

Things I would definitely do again:

• Hire a Doula
• Have a good swing available from day 1
• Arrange for household help for the first two months – especially, someone to pass the baby off to in the mornings after sleepless nights
• Use cloth diapers
• Do prenatal yoga
• Treat myself to prenatal massages
• Get out of the house and continue on with life, taking baby along for the ride
• Have at least five months maternity leave
• Involve my husband in as many aspects of the experience as possible.