I like this quote, from The Price of Frogtown by Rick Bragg, in which he describes how his wife interacts with her youngest son.
"She was happy with a gentle, helpless boy, because a boy like that would need her forever. 'That one will love you forever,' I told her, certain of that. Some boys just have Peter Pan in them. But sometimes there is a sadness in mommas so deep you are afraid to get close to it, lest you fall in. She had a door frame in her house in Memphis marked with her boys names, ages and their heights, year after year. She would have ripped it off the wall and broken it in two to stop time, to keep them all needing her forever and loving her the way little boys do."
When I first came across this, while listening to the audiobook, I jotted it down because it seemed true. Of course, I’d probably want to stop time too, I thought. But at the same time, the journey forward is so interesting that I’m happy to travel forward with River and see him gain more skills and confidence.
Now that I’m missing precious weeks though, I understand the sadness so deep one can be afraid to fall in. I wouldn’t want anyone to fall into the sadness I’m feeling now. It’s hard enough to cover it with the veneer of normalcy, to go about my daily activities. But the hole is deep and dark, without a clear bottom.