Freaked out by birth control

Much as my womb is not screaming out for another, it’s getting closer to that time to think about number two. Now, when I look at someone’s sleeping newborn baby, I may think, “That’s sweet.” Or “That might be nice.” I suppose that’s progress. Though show me a picture of a screaming infant in the middle of the night, or one breastfeeding for four hours straight and I’ll probably have entirely different thoughts.

My current supply of birth control (NuvaRing) runs out at the end of February. So I was wondering whether or not to order another three-month supply. I wouldn’t want to start trying any earlier than May, but it might not be a bad idea to get my hormones back to normal, to get a sense of my cycles again, etc.

So last night I start googling some things about birth control. And I start to wonder why anyone uses it (of course, rationally, I know why and I’m glad it’s available). Is my less than raging sex drive a result of the Nuvaring? I wondered. Could that be the cause of the higher than usual anxiety levels I’ve been feeling lately? Does my birth control have anything to do with the fact that I walked over five miles yesterday and gained weight? Am I going to face a huge weight gain after going off of it, like some people posted about on the internet? Are my chances of cancer, blood clot, heart problems significantly higher? What happened to the wife of the man who is suing Nuvaring’s maker for her death? Holy crap.

So now I’m back to my usual discomfort with chemicals in my body that aren’t entirely needed. We managed to avoid pregnancy for a good 15 months or so after River’s birth (OK, I was only ovulating for 4 of these, but still). If I go back to my anal-retentive cycle tracking (which I probably will since we’d like to increase the odds of a girl), we should be able to play it fairly safe. That is, as long as I don’t have a bunch of international flights to throw my cycle to the winds.

I still don’t know exactly when I’d like number two, but am thinking the first half of 2011. I still don’t have Mark’s 100% approval. I’m still not progressed far beyond the rational planning stage. I don’t have the immediate longing and desire I did for the first. Nevertheless, it might be time to start getting ready. The things I read, plus the cost savings of not having to pay for birth control lead me to think I’ll skip this reorder.

Whoops

It was just under a year ago when we were a little less careful than usual about birth control. My periods had resumed 11 months after River’s birth, I finally had a bit of a sex drive and poor Mark had gone almost a year with fairly low fulfillment. I was still breastfeeding, so I hadn’t chosen a birth control method yet, and there was at least one potential oops moment. At the time, I thought about taking the morning after pill, then decided against it, figuring that we’d deal with whatever came about.

Thank goodness I didn’t get pregnant because that would mean I’d have another baby on my hands at this moment and I’m really glad that I don’t. It would have meant that I couldn’t have started this new job, it would have been extra stress with the house search and it would have pulled a lot of attention away from River, just when I’m very much enjoying spending time with him.

Yesterday I found myself unusually tired, enough so that Mark worked around the house through the afternoon and I took a nap – an unusual reversal of our energy levels. I couldn’t be pregnant, I thought. Then realized that I’d forgotten to put my Nuva Ring back in after temporarily removing it. It can be out for 3 hours a day, but this was closer to 24 hours. Yikes. I also put it in a day late this month, so I think this is officially a whoops.

I starting googling what it means to leave it out for too long and there wasn’t much information out there. If by chance, I could have become pregnant, is putting it back in going to prevent implantation, cause a miscarriage, or just result in a deformed fetus? I don’t really know. But I put it back in anyway because if it lowers the odds of a pregnancy that’s good.

While I could handle a 30-month spacing much better than an 18-month gap, I’m still not ready for a second yet. I just started this job and would like to be able to prove myself and build up some capital before announcing a pregnancy. Things are finally starting to settle down, as I get used to the new job and the new house and all that entails. After a fairly crazy 2009, I’m looking forward to a much calmer 2010, with no major life events planned.

I hope this will turn out to be a Whoops, I was a bit irresponsible moment. And not a Whoops, I have to realign my goals and expectations moment. We’ll see.

Whew!

I was sure happy to get my period this month. I thought we could have had a little surprise. When I returned from my trip, I told my husband I’d already ovulated. Then when I sat and counted the days more carefully, plus thought about the possibility that the international travel could have messed with the ovulation, I wondered if I might have screwed up.

I happened to have my annual gyn. exam the next day, so I could have asked for a morning after pill. I thought about it, but I didn’t. As much as I wouldn’t be eager to have another child now, I figured if it happened, it happened. We do plan on one eventually and while now wouldn’t be ideal, it wouldn’t be unworkable either.

One reason another child wouldn’t be ideal is that I’m trying to get back to work. Being pregnant while job hunting would definitely not help the search. Then, as I realize the job search might be tougher than I first thought, I start to think that maybe it would make sense to have a child now after all. As long as I’m unemployed, I might as well be productive in doing something. The fact that we already have a babysitter would make childcare arrangements easier and cheaper.

Despite all that, I would mostly be disappointed to be pregnant now because I’d still like to give River the individual attention I think he deserves (and that I enjoy giving him) for a while more. While a pregnancy now would make a two year gap, which I suppose is acceptable and plenty of people do it, I think River is still young. A 3-4 year gap would be ideal in my opinion. I’d like him to be potty trained and able to do some basic things for himself before a sibling appears. I’d like for him to be in preschool, to have a little bit of his own world, before we pull attention away towards another child. I’d like to be able to give the second child the attention that River has received, or close to it.

What would be most ironic about a pregnancy now is that my birth control (I’m going to try the Nuva ring) is sitting in the fridge, waiting until the Sunday after my period to be put into use. First I waited 11 months to get my period, then I wanted to see what my standard cycle post-birth was, then I took some time to look into options, delayed starting since there was no point in being on hormones while traveling, and planned to begin after my first period upon returning home. After all that, how ironic would it be for us to screw up just days beforehand?

Luckily, we didn’t. And I’m strangely glad that I didn’t ask for the morning after pill, so I won’t wonder whether maybe there would have been a little one.

I’ll be starting on the Nuva tomorrow. Has anyone used it? Any thoughts?

Since another child is not on our short-term horizon, I’m crossing my fingers that I can find some sort of halfway-meaningful employment by the summer.