So much easier the second time around

Since I’ve been back from vacation, I’ve been hit with heavy fatigue again, usually in the afternoon and evening. This is a bit inconvenient as it makes me unable to accomplish much more than basic tasks or watching TV. Over the weekend, I struggled carrying River on the bicycle around town. The extra 35 pounds really made a difference. But overall, things are so much better with this pregnancy than the first one that I can’t complain.

First off, the fatigue disappeared during my vacation and bike trip. Thanks, body. Its appearance late in the day means I can still function normally at work. I haven’t needed a sick day yet.

I’m generally not paying much attention. I know when I’m due, but I forget what week I’m in and am never truly sure of it. I have no idea what is happening developmentally at the moment and don’t care too much.

Despite a pop that was apparent to me at 8 weeks, I’m still not showing to other people yet and I appreciate the freedom to take some more time, to get the testing done, and to break the news when it’s the right time, not necessarily when my belly forces me to. I’m thankful that my stomach has always been one of my slimmest parts. I can handle a little extension there and still look normal. Whereas, if a baby was to come out of my hips or a butt cheek, I’d have a lot less room for growth there. I’m still at the same weight as I was pre-pregnancy, which I feel great about.

In a sense, I’m grateful for the fatigue, because at least it’s a sign I’m pregnant. Otherwise, I’m just not feeling it much. I have the first of the triple screen tests tomorrow and I’m grateful that the sonogram will check for a heartbeat. I do need a little reassurance that it’s still living, still growing. Because it’s been very easy to forget about it this time around.

Releasing the guilt

I’m a strong type A person, both blessed and cursed with a constant need to produce and/or contribute. So when I lose my energy and don’t feel capable of doing much other than the basics of doing my job, caring for my child and myself, and then lying on the couch and watching TV, normally this would be a rough thing for me to handle. But I’ve learned my lesson from my first pregnancy and I’ve decided to not feel guilty about this.

Instead, I’m thankful that my toddler’s reliable sleep schedule, my 80% work schedule and the division of labor with Mark allows me to nap 2-3 days a week. I’m also grateful that I’m able to enjoy a good half of the day before crashing.

This morning I took River to a fantastic event at the local art museum – with dancing, music, free pizza and samosas, free entrance to the museum and all kinds of arts and crafts projects for the kids. We saw friends there and had a blast. By the time we got home, we were both exhausted. So as I soon as I put him down, I put myself down. I slept 2.5 hours, he slept 3.5. I’m still a bit tired in the evening and I don’t have enough energy to be very productive, but so be it. At some point, this will pass. Until then, it’s what my body needs.

Another thing I might typically feel guilty about is what I’ve been eating. I haven’t given up caffeine (though I don’t think that one cup of tea and one soda per day is too excessive). I have had definite cravings and they tend toward the unhealthy and high-fat refined carbohydrates. Last pregnancy, it was French fries and Snickers. This time, I’m over the Snickers, but the French fry craving is still there. Also, I have particular cravings on different days. Sometimes I’ll scan through all the food options I can think of to try to identify the single thing I want to eat. Once it was fruited jello with Cool-Whip and I made a trip to the store just for that. Another time it was berries with cool whip. This week I had a strong craving for fried chicken and mashed potatoes, which resulted in us eating chicken every night this week and my husband driving 20 minutes to get some Kentucky Fried Chicken, which was simultaneously gross (overprocessed, unhealthy) and satisfying. During a lunchtime visit to Whole Foods, I chose potato, corn and bacon soup – a fattening, carbohydrate-laden choice I would never usually make.

Because my appetite is limited, especially in the second half of the day, I’ve maintained my pre-pregnancy weight so far. So, despite the carbs and the junk, and the lack of exercise, I’m not feeling guilty. Again, this is what my body is telling me to do.

Pregnancy is a weird thing. I really feel for those who don’t have the options to eat what their body craves or to rest when their body says they need to. I’m grateful that circumstances help make this a little easier.

The symptoms are here

OK, so now the symptoms are more clearly here. And yes, I’m very grateful for the time I didn’t have them.

For the past few days my appetite has been low. I can function moderately well during the day. But I crash around 3, when I need a nap. After lying in bed and sleeping a bit, I might get up for a little TV or to have a bit of dinner. Then I go back to the supine position for a few more hours until it’s time for bed.

It feels as though my mind is awake and alert, but that’s about it. Every other cell has been drained of energy. My hands don’t have enough energy to want to deal with the computer or to hold a book. The best I can do is watch a bit of TV, but I usually run out of recorded shows quickly. This weekend I stared out the window and took joy in watching the trees shiver in the wind.

Luckily, Mark has been great about letting me lie around from 3 p.m. until bedtime over the weekend. I’m trying to make peace with my lack of productivity. Part of me enjoyed watching the effects of the wind and the niceness of Mark caring for River, cooking me dinner and making me hot chocolate. Another part thinks that lying there motionless, without even reading a book, is a supremely useless waste of time.

I’m trying to accept that this is just the reality, remember that it won’t last forever, and that this thing (it’s still a thing) growing instead me is currently taking up all my cellular energy. But another part of me is counting ahead. Is this going to put a damper on our upcoming trip to Spain and the four-day bike ride we have planned there? Will it be done by the end of June?

The positive side is that the increased symptoms, plus the normal hormonal blood work, make me think that perhaps things are progressing normally. In nine days I’ll find out if there is a heartbeat and then will have a more definitive answer.

Can I please relax?

I still have no morning sickness and it’s a fantastic thing. It makes being pregnant infinitely easier. But I’m having a hard time accepting my luck. A little voice tells me that no, I can’t just be one of the 20% of lucky women who don’t get it. Perhaps there is something wrong.

This is week 6, when the websites say morning sickness is supposed to start. It may start any day. So I put off making any plans – like scheduling a brunch for Mother’s Day. I don’t want to pay $50 if I can’t eat a good meal.

This morning I went back and looked at my chart from my first pregnancy. I had nausea from the day of implantation. By this point, I had already been sick for weeks and the little x’s stretch across the sheet indicating day after day after neverending day of nausea.

What a joy to not experience that. It makes dealing with work and living life so much easier. Aside from a little extra fatigue and an increased appetite, I can almost forget I’m pregnant. It makes the weight issue more of a challenge and I’ll have to pay more attention to that.

I saw one mention on a forum that the older a woman is, the less likely she is to suffer morning sickness. I have no idea whether or not there is any validity to that. If so, it’s a great benefit to “advanced maternal age,” as I expect I’ll be categorized. But miscarriages also rise with advanced maternal age and I hear the voice of a friend who miscarried recently at 8 weeks and felt no morning sickness leading up to it. She’s pregnant again now and nauseous.

Is this easy ride a sign of bad things to come, or am I just luckier this time around?

Sharing the news

I told Mark last night. Or rather, he guessed. Earlier in the evening, he asked if I was happy and I said yes. He asked why and I said I’d tell him a bit later. He read it from me there.

I knew he wasn’t thrilled about more children, but he handled it calmly and we spent some tender moments together that evening.

But he found himself up between 2 and 5 a.m., unable to sleep due to stress. “My conscious took the news OK. But I guess my subconscious didn’t,” he said.

I feel bad that he feels stressed out. But I think he had similar feelings about River. And now he loves River and is glad to have him in his life. And, finally, River is starting to show some positive attention to dad. So I hope it’s just a general resistance to change and that it will all work out for the best.

As for me, I’m doing fairly well. It’s pretty thrilling to have an appetite and energy. I’m setting myself ambitious exercise goals to fulfill while I still can. Yet, the beginnings of nausea appear to be coming on. It is still minor and still doesn’t affect my rather significant appetite. But I kind of feel I’m on a boat at sea, with a little rock here and there that doesn’t let me forget I’m floating.

One symptom I definitely have is fatigue. Oh, for the opportunity to take an afternoon nap at home. Where are you Latin American schedule with a two-hour lunch break? By 3 p.m. I am seriously ready for a nap.

Moving towards thoughts of positive

I’ve had several symptoms today. Some are hard to distinguish from the allergies, which have become suddenly horrible in the past two days. But the main symptoms are fatigue (I took a two hour nap and spent the rest of the late afternoon/evening in a daze) and sciatica in my legs, which I haven’t had since third trimester with River. I’m also having some cramping, which makes me thinks my period is coming, but some googling says it can be the uterus preparing space for a baby. So no clear answers yet, but I’m moving back towards thinking a positive is possible.