Coming to grips

As far as I can tell, I’m still pregnant. But I’m no longer feeling the lovely dovey you are my baby thoughts that I experienced momentarily upon thinking I might be pregnant. I have to admit I’m afraid of miscarriage. Part of it is my prepare-for-the-worst nature. But another part is a disbelief that I could function this normally and be pregnant. An acquaintance had an easy 8 weeks, then miscarried. Now she is pregnant again and vomiting.

So I’m viewing the end of the eighth week as a certain marker. When I had a little brown spotting and was really freaking out, I composed a letter to the embryo in my head. I told it I hoped it was developing well and would join our family late this year. But that if it was having difficulty, it was be best for both of us if it left earlier rather than later. I gave it my blessing and understanding to let go.

Hearing a heartbeat will also be a marker that things are OK, which might be possible at my sonogram appointment in the next week or two.

Until then, I’m happy to hold on to a little secret. To know that I’m somehow different, even though I appear to be the same to people. I kind of plan based upon the impacts of pregnancy and a birth, but keep in mind that perhaps it won’t happen after all.

In the meantime, I view it as a seed, a rice kernel, a conglomeration of cells. It hasn’t taken on a human form to me yet. But it has already begun the process of impacting me and changing me.

Can I please relax?

I still have no morning sickness and it’s a fantastic thing. It makes being pregnant infinitely easier. But I’m having a hard time accepting my luck. A little voice tells me that no, I can’t just be one of the 20% of lucky women who don’t get it. Perhaps there is something wrong.

This is week 6, when the websites say morning sickness is supposed to start. It may start any day. So I put off making any plans – like scheduling a brunch for Mother’s Day. I don’t want to pay $50 if I can’t eat a good meal.

This morning I went back and looked at my chart from my first pregnancy. I had nausea from the day of implantation. By this point, I had already been sick for weeks and the little x’s stretch across the sheet indicating day after day after neverending day of nausea.

What a joy to not experience that. It makes dealing with work and living life so much easier. Aside from a little extra fatigue and an increased appetite, I can almost forget I’m pregnant. It makes the weight issue more of a challenge and I’ll have to pay more attention to that.

I saw one mention on a forum that the older a woman is, the less likely she is to suffer morning sickness. I have no idea whether or not there is any validity to that. If so, it’s a great benefit to “advanced maternal age,” as I expect I’ll be categorized. But miscarriages also rise with advanced maternal age and I hear the voice of a friend who miscarried recently at 8 weeks and felt no morning sickness leading up to it. She’s pregnant again now and nauseous.

Is this easy ride a sign of bad things to come, or am I just luckier this time around?

Wager is off

As of yesterday, I’d say my wager is off. The cramping and painful feeling is probably nothing more than menstrual cramps. My temperature isn’t shooting up as it should and the heightened sense of smell doesn’t seem to have stuck around. So I tell myself that’s it, it’s not happening this month, I’ll have to wait until next month.

I’m tempted to use a pregnancy test to get a definite answer. But the environmentalist part of me says no, I’m not going to put a plastic thing in the landfill when I can get an answer without a tool in a matter of days. Those are for confirming a yes, not confirming a no.

Then, as soon as I tell myself it’s not happening, I’ll have a few light burps, making me think – well, maybe.

Assuming it’s not happening, it makes me wonder – was it all in my head, or was there a fertilized egg that implanted, but couldn’t thrive? I remember learning in a course on reproductive technology that something like 30% of fertilized eggs don’t end up attaching and are discarded with the menstrual flow. So was there a beginning to a child? I guess there are some things I can never know.