Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Nine Months Gestation Plus Nine Months Alive

equals a grand total of 1.5 years that River has been affecting our lives.

I remember before having River how friends and colleagues with babies would tell me that before the baby was born, they couldn’t imagine being a mother. After the baby arrived, they couldn’t imagine life without him/her. Neither Mark nor I can imagine life without River. We both recognize that the tiniest of changes in circumstances would have resulted in the birth of a different being, that River might have been relegated to non-existence. Just imagining that makes me sad. We know we probably would have loved that other being, but it’s hard to believe that s/he could really compare with River. I suppose that is biology doing it’s job again. Whatever you end up with is what you think you should have had all along.

The birth seems ages, a lifetime ago. I tell myself it really couldn’t have been that bad (thank goodness I have my very detailed post-birth notes!:). I look at new parents and their tiny little babies with a mixture of awe, joy and nostalgia. With time though, the awe portion is decreasing and the nostalgia increasing. I suppose that is again biology doing what it needs to do so that women will want to reproduce again.

I definitely don’t want another baby in the near future. However, when I see the little babies now, they make me want to experience that newness, wonder and exploration again in a way that I never felt upon seeing babies before River was born.

Some moments of the past nine months have been tough. Overall though, I think they were less tough than the pregnancy and childbirth. But so many more moments since December have been filled with love, peace, joy, wonder, learning, bonding, trust, acceptance, compromise and commitment. I’ve been happy and I feel lucky.

No comments: