Friday, March 4, 2011

maybe we’re doing better after all

At my weekly visit to the breastfeeding support group, I bared my nipples for the lactation consultant’s inspection (this now seems like the most natural thing in the world to do) and was surprised to hear her say she doesn’t think the thrush is back.

“Thrush usually has a shiny look,” she said. So while mine are pink, and occasionally red, they are not shiny. I no longer remember what normal nipples look like and I certainly don’t know what non-thrush infected breastfeeding nipples look like.

She told me I needed to continue staying away from sugar (“no excuses!”), but that I didn’t have to go back on drugs for thrush.

I feel some relief that perhaps the thrush has abated after all. It’s hard to tell though since the other issues are still active and no one knows what came first, or what is causing what. But I’m definitely bummed at the prospect of several more weeks on a restricted diet. I’m also starting to feel pretty bad about myself, as I’ve GAINED five pounds since putting these restrictions in place. So I not only feel deprived, but fat.

I’m also not feeling good about the way I am parenting River these days. It seems I spend too much of my time with him telling him no, hurrying him up, trying to get him to stop whining, or trying to deal with his needs quickly so I can move on to other things I need to address. There are times, especially when he’s whining, that I’m annoyed, I don’t want to listen any more, and I just want to get away. There have been occasions on which my chidings have made him cry, and there haven’t been enough fun, silly moments to make up for them.

I keep telling myself that I’ll do something special with him. Perhaps I’ll read him bedtime stories, perhaps I’ll take him somewhere. Sometimes I do. But most of the time, I’m tired or something else needs to be done, and fun time with him is pushed to the side.

This weekend we’ll be leaving him behind as we go out of town for the weekend. I plan to take him to get his hair cut before we leave and perhaps we can grab something to eat together. I’ll be taking him to a free trial gymnastics class soon. Occasions like this, where just the two of us can do something together, without Willow, are rare. I need to try to make them happen more often. Or I need to learn how to tune out the other things that need to be done and be able to sit and listen to him fully.

1 comment:

LazyBones said...

Ugh, I feel fat too. It's been too cold to get outside and get any cardio workouts in & walking/hiking is all I really like to do (besides yoga, which isn't really cardio). But I am doing my best to continue w/the diabetic diet I was on during my pregnancy, it's just not enough without exercise. Being on a diet and feeling fat at the same time is the worst!

Good luck with your little guy. I go back and forth between feeling sorry for my son when he wants/needs attention at the same time as my daughter, and other times feeling resentful that he's being demanding and that she's not getting the attention she needs! I try to read stories while breastfeeding, which seems to allow for the best of both worlds. Cuddles and attention for both kids at once! The one on one time will be so nice for both of you!