Maybe

So, according to my chart, I have ovulated, there was some activity in the period shortly before ovulation, and now I’ve got a week or so to see whether or not there is a spike in temperature that indicates implantation. I picked up a few pregnancy tests from a neighbor via Freecycle, but they are more for Mark’s confirmation than mine. If I see that spike, to me, it’s confirmation of pregnancy. As long as the temperature remains at an elevated level, I know the pregnancy is continuing. If a second pregnancy would be anything like the first, the symptoms came in strong right after implantation, which only confirmed what I learned from my temperature. I’m not one of those people who could be pregnant for a long time and not know it.

This is a weird period of time in which perhaps there is a fertilized egg floating through my body. Perhaps it will settle in and become the start of a person who will impact my life from this point forward. Perhaps it won’t implant and will come out with the menstrual flow, without my ever knowing of its existence. Perhaps there is no fertilized egg at all.

My feelings about it change on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. A week or so ago I think I wished for it not to happen. I didn’t want to be medicated at the time of conception. I wanted to make more of an effort for a girl (if it happens this month, the odds of a boy are fairly good). Then I realized that I would accept it if it happens. And I thought that if this is in our near future, perhaps it’s better to get it over with and not play the waiting game. And my baby is truly a big boy now. He looks at me with the eyes of a real, independent person. I think he’s gotten to the point where he could benefit from a sibling, and I’ve gotten to the point where I could take on a baby again.