Friday, October 1, 2010

Big and bulky

It feels like someone attached a helium pump to my stomach sometime in the last two weeks and blew me up. Between weeks 25 and 27, I have exploded.

It’s getting me down. I have now reached the point of disability, where I’m no longer able to function as normal. I think River is being impacted by this. I can no longer pick him up as I used to, I can’t play the same games with him, it’s not easy to lift him into his crib, and I’m increasingly tired from poor sleep and not being able to take a nap in the afternoons, making me less patient. It seems unfair that he should start losing quality interaction now, three months before the baby even arrives and it makes me feel bad. I’m just grateful that the spacing is such that he doesn’t need the same level of care and interaction as he did a year ago.

Last night I was so exhausted I didn’t even want to talk. Mark asked why I didn’t rest and I explained that even resting is difficult. Because the baby is heavy enough to squish my organs, it’s not comfortable to lie on my back. I still struggle to adjust to spending so much time on my side.

I’ve got all the accessories ready – a Snoogle pillow, a wedge pillow for below my hip, another pillow for between my legs. But it takes up a lot of space to use all these accoutrements, especially if I’d like to switch sides at any point. Last night Mark kindly offered to sleep on the couch, allowing me the whole bed to sprawl out upon. It helped. If I had the choice, I think I’d cut down to half time work now, so that I could work for a half day and follow that with a nap.
I’m trying to distract myself with the many things on my plate – work, a statistics class, an online literature class, socializing and daily life and responsibilities. But I’m still spending a good chunk of each day thinking how large and uncomfortable I am, counting down how much time is left, and feeling disheartened by the large number that remains in the countdown.

When I get bummed, I want to eat. But another part of me says perhaps I need to stop eating, or reduce the quantities and the sweets I eat, if I want to limit my size somewhat. Right now, the disheartened emotional eating is winning. So I spend time shopping online, looking for secondhand pieces of the brand of clothing (Isabella Oliver) I’ve found makes me feel halfway good in my protrusion and spending more than probably makes sense on things I’ll use for only a few months. But I understand I’m in a place where I’m susceptible to the power of anything that can make me feel a little better about myself. Whether that’s a massage or a piece of clothing that fits well, I’m at the point where I’m willing to pay for that luxury.

Has anyone been at a similar place around week 27? I feel like it’s too early for this, though this website doesn’t reassure me:

By about 27 weeks pregnant you may start losing some of the energy you experienced during the second trimester. Your body will expend a lot of energy in the upcoming weeks as your baby continues to mature and develop. As your uterus continues to grow during your pregnancy week by week, the demands on your circulatory system continue to rise, creating extra fatigue. This is a good time to try to fit in a small catnap or two if you can during the day. Even 15 minutes of rest can help you feel energetic and recharged during the day.

Any chance it will go away, that I will regain energy and vigor? Or do I just need to hold out for another three months and hope that perhaps this one will come early?

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