Can I please relax?

I still have no morning sickness and it’s a fantastic thing. It makes being pregnant infinitely easier. But I’m having a hard time accepting my luck. A little voice tells me that no, I can’t just be one of the 20% of lucky women who don’t get it. Perhaps there is something wrong.

This is week 6, when the websites say morning sickness is supposed to start. It may start any day. So I put off making any plans – like scheduling a brunch for Mother’s Day. I don’t want to pay $50 if I can’t eat a good meal.

This morning I went back and looked at my chart from my first pregnancy. I had nausea from the day of implantation. By this point, I had already been sick for weeks and the little x’s stretch across the sheet indicating day after day after neverending day of nausea.

What a joy to not experience that. It makes dealing with work and living life so much easier. Aside from a little extra fatigue and an increased appetite, I can almost forget I’m pregnant. It makes the weight issue more of a challenge and I’ll have to pay more attention to that.

I saw one mention on a forum that the older a woman is, the less likely she is to suffer morning sickness. I have no idea whether or not there is any validity to that. If so, it’s a great benefit to “advanced maternal age,” as I expect I’ll be categorized. But miscarriages also rise with advanced maternal age and I hear the voice of a friend who miscarried recently at 8 weeks and felt no morning sickness leading up to it. She’s pregnant again now and nauseous.

Is this easy ride a sign of bad things to come, or am I just luckier this time around?

Inspiration

Motherhood as the most liberating thing that can happen.

The importance of self-regulation

New study out with some interesting findings. Key point: “the data is clearer now than ever: a child that can listen, pay attention, follow instructions, and persist on a task, even if faced with what seems to be giant hurdles at a very young age, will achieve greater success in school.”

Recognizing rules

I’ve lately been receiving signs that River understands and remembers rules and it’s an interesting development to observe. When I get him in the morning and his pants are wet, he says, “No pepe en los pantalones (no pee in the pants).”

The other day, I had to give him a time out when he was already dressed to go, with shoes and coat on. When I took him out of his crib and led him downstairs, he said, “No zapatos en la casa (no shoes in the house).”

“You are right,” I said, and carried him downstairs.

Part of me fears becoming like my mother. She didn’t allow shoes in the house either and we hated that rule. But another part of me just spent several thousand dollars refinishing the floors and would like them to last. Also, I’m so far from being the neat perfectionist on home-related matters that my mother is. I do think it’s good to have boundaries and for children to know what it expected. We’ll need to pay attention to set and enforce rules we think are important and be willing to bend on things that are less important.

In the meantime, it’s really cool to see evidence that at 28 months, River knows what is expected of him and makes an effort to comply.

Sharing the news

I told Mark last night. Or rather, he guessed. Earlier in the evening, he asked if I was happy and I said yes. He asked why and I said I’d tell him a bit later. He read it from me there.

I knew he wasn’t thrilled about more children, but he handled it calmly and we spent some tender moments together that evening.

But he found himself up between 2 and 5 a.m., unable to sleep due to stress. “My conscious took the news OK. But I guess my subconscious didn’t,” he said.

I feel bad that he feels stressed out. But I think he had similar feelings about River. And now he loves River and is glad to have him in his life. And, finally, River is starting to show some positive attention to dad. So I hope it’s just a general resistance to change and that it will all work out for the best.

As for me, I’m doing fairly well. It’s pretty thrilling to have an appetite and energy. I’m setting myself ambitious exercise goals to fulfill while I still can. Yet, the beginnings of nausea appear to be coming on. It is still minor and still doesn’t affect my rather significant appetite. But I kind of feel I’m on a boat at sea, with a little rock here and there that doesn’t let me forget I’m floating.

One symptom I definitely have is fatigue. Oh, for the opportunity to take an afternoon nap at home. Where are you Latin American schedule with a two-hour lunch break? By 3 p.m. I am seriously ready for a nap.

Results

Positive

I took the test this morning and it’s positive. So now I can really acclimate myself to the idea of being pregnant. I haven’t told anyone yet and I suppose Mark should be first. Two women announced pregnancies on a parenting group I belong to (both due about a month before me) and I was tempted to chime in. But I held back.

The announcements came in the form of asking for advice about morning sickness. While I generally feel like crap, I think it’s more allergies and a possible cold than morning sickness. My appetite is fine and I’m not turned off by any foods.

I went back and looked at the records from my first pregnancy. At this stage last time, I’d been experiencing morning sickness for several days. Part of me says yay! Is it possible could be saved that misery this time around? It would certainly make keeping my job easier if I didn’t have that to deal with and to attempt to hide.

But another (masochistic) part of me mourns not having it. It helped keep my weight down. I already weigh a bit more than I’d like. Seeing what I gained last time around in the third trimester, I really need to avoid weight gain in the first trimester.

For now, I’ll remain grateful that I can function and will try to step up the exercise.

Making changes

I’m now quite sure I’m pregnant, though I haven’t taken a test yet. Sure enough to start making a few changes. Sorry, I’m not giving up my morning English Breakfast tea yet. But I am holding off on my Allegra, even though I really need it. I’ll stop by the pharmacy and pick up some Claritin instead, which is rated in a safer category for pregnancy. I’m also struggling with a yeast issue (sorry, if too much information) due to the two weeks of antibiotics. I held off on trying to treat it, since there was a chance I could be pregnant. And the doctor said that the hormonal changes after menstruation could take care of it. But now that the hormonal changes are going in the other direction, it seems to be taking off into a minor case of thrush. I have an appointment with an ob/gyn next week. But in the meantime, I’m taking pro-biotics, trying to eating at least a serving or two of yogurt a day, and am trying to limit the white carbohydrates and sugars I consume, since I’ve read that is what the fungi feeds off of. For a sugar-holic like myself though, it’s a matter of limiting, not excluding.

I looked at a week-by-week guide and saw that right now, it is nothing more than two layers of cells. It’s really nothing resembling a baby. I’m doubtful that a bit of caffeine will have a large effect. However, I’m feeling slightly guilty that in the last month it, or the cells that composed it, were exposed to:
• Two weeks of heavy antibiotics
• Possible propecia exposure through my husband
• A really delicious rainbow roll
• A few sips of champagne
• Cake batter with raw eggs (also delicious!)
• At least three Allegra

Also, my vitamin D levels were low during my blood work last week and I’ve only started taking a multivitamin and vitamin-D in the last few days. So no pre-build up of folic acid, as is recommended.

Then I remember how River made it through both food poisoning and exposure to tear gas in the early weeks, with no apparent effects. Embryos are resilient things, I think there is too much of a tendency to blame mothers, and I believe in all things in moderation. Nonetheless, I’d feel really bad if there was a birth defect I could have prevented. So I’m starting to make the little changes that won’t make me suffer inordinately (like forgoing allergy meds entirely), but will reduce the chances of possible harm.

Just in case

Just in case I am pregnant, I thought I should perhaps snap a quick belly shot – so I have a reminder of what it looks like without stretch marks and with a bit of remaining tone. It could be the last time I see that.

Due date?

I just looked at an online due date calendar and according to the date of my last menstrual period, my due date would be December 28. It says a pregnancy test could have picked up a pregnancy four days ago, that the first heartbeat would be on May 5th (yikes!). I think the dates would be 2-4 days later for me, given my longer cycles. So that would mean a due date in the Christmas to New Year’s region. Perhaps an incentive to induce for a last minute tax credit. I don’t know why I don’t take a pregnancy test, since I think I’d probably get an answer now. I prefer to wait until my temperature has been high for 18 days. Which is only two days from now. Then I can feel pretty confident about what the result will be.

I went to a baby shower today – a really fancy affair, where a three course meal was served at a restaurant and the mom-to-be got enough clothes so the baby will have a different outfit per day for the first several months. And enough books to fill a bookshelf. If anything, I was envious of the book selection. I think the baby is lucky to have that much imagination and fantasy so early in life I’m still waiting eagerly for the box of 140 books in Spanish I recently purchased on ebay. I think it will be about as exciting to me to fill River’s shelves as it will be for him.

I’m very happy for my friend, who is expecting her first. Though she is a slender person, she is very large at 35 weeks, bigger than I think I ever was in my pregnancy, even with my extra 65 pounds. It doesn’t look comfortable at all and I pity her having to move around that way for another five weeks. Yet I now have a better understanding of what the end result is, which makes it more worth it. If I am pregnant, I will convince Mark to replace our ten-year-old mattress with a good one. I’ve learned that third trimester pregnant women need all the help getting quality sleep they can get.

Moving towards thoughts of positive

I’ve had several symptoms today. Some are hard to distinguish from the allergies, which have become suddenly horrible in the past two days. But the main symptoms are fatigue (I took a two hour nap and spent the rest of the late afternoon/evening in a daze) and sciatica in my legs, which I haven’t had since third trimester with River. I’m also having some cramping, which makes me thinks my period is coming, but some googling says it can be the uterus preparing space for a baby. So no clear answers yet, but I’m moving back towards thinking a positive is possible.

Day 32

Today is day 32 of my cycle, Since my last cycle, my first off of birth control, was 32 days, I thought this might be the day I’d have some answers. Truthfully, I expected to see my period today, and I still might. But usually, there is a drop in temperature on the day my period comes. Instead of a drop, it was 98.4 this morning, the highest by .2 it’s been all cycle. Two days ago it dipped to 97.8, making me think my period was coming. But since then, it has shot up .6.

It’s common to have a dip before ovulation. Perhaps it’s the same before implantation. A spike at the time of implantation is definitely a strong sign.

As for symptoms, the only thing that remains constant is burping. I tell myself it’s not happening, and then I get these light burps, which are very out of the ordinary for me.

At the same time though, I’m not feeling well – runny nose, itchy throat, frequent sneezing, light cough. Perhaps allergies, perhaps a cold, but I imagine either could cause a temperature spike. I took an Allegra because it’s reached the point of miserable. If I am in fact pregnant, it will be one more toxin this poor embryo has been exposed to. If not, I guess it would be good to know so that I can take my medicine, eat sushi and lick the cake batter bowl without guilt. We’ll see what happens. I’ll probably wait another 4-8 days before breaking out a pregnancy test.

Trimming the feed list

I’ve been making great progress lately on catching up on some of the 1000-odd parenting-related blog posts in my Google Reader. Since it’s become overwhelming, I’ve lowered my standards for unsubscribing. Now, one thing that will cause me to unsubscribe is if I can’t read the entire post in the reader. Unless I see a thrilling series of two-line summaries, I don’t have the time or the inclination to click through.

I see the dilemma. If people don’t click through, they don’t know how many readers they have. They may have a harder time selling advertising. What makes me most likely to keep reading and to click through is to be able to see the whole post, and to be intrigued enough by what is written to want to click through and either leave a comment, or learn more about the author.

What are you standards? What keeps you reading, or convinces you to unsubscribe from a blog?

Wager is off

As of yesterday, I’d say my wager is off. The cramping and painful feeling is probably nothing more than menstrual cramps. My temperature isn’t shooting up as it should and the heightened sense of smell doesn’t seem to have stuck around. So I tell myself that’s it, it’s not happening this month, I’ll have to wait until next month.

I’m tempted to use a pregnancy test to get a definite answer. But the environmentalist part of me says no, I’m not going to put a plastic thing in the landfill when I can get an answer without a tool in a matter of days. Those are for confirming a yes, not confirming a no.

Then, as soon as I tell myself it’s not happening, I’ll have a few light burps, making me think – well, maybe.

Assuming it’s not happening, it makes me wonder – was it all in my head, or was there a fertilized egg that implanted, but couldn’t thrive? I remember learning in a course on reproductive technology that something like 30% of fertilized eggs don’t end up attaching and are discarded with the menstrual flow. So was there a beginning to a child? I guess there are some things I can never know.

Quality time

Last night I watched an episode of Supernanny in which Jo told the family they were neglecting their kids. The mom worked full-time and spent every other spare minute cleaning. The dad worked full-time and spent the rest of his time resting on the couch. The kids had toys, clothing and nice enough home, but they weren’t receiving enough of their parents’ attention.

It made me wonder if I’m neglecting River. I love spending time with him when it involves an activity. I’m happy to take him to the library, for a walk, a bike ride, to a nature preserve, a farm, a presentation, a concert, a party. I’ll cook with him, I’ll read him a ton of books. But in terms of sit down on the floor and play what interests him, I don’t do a lot of that.

When I’ve tried, I’ve found I don’t really enjoy pushing cars or trains around. I have to struggle to come up with a story about what is happening with the cars. He seems to appreciate it when I do, but it feels a bit forced to me. I’ll build for a little while – we had some fun with a marble tower we picked up recently – and I’ll color for a little. But I rarely set up play-doh or clay or other arts and crafts.

My husband spends less quality time with River than I do. While I try to fit in chores, exercise or social obligations into my time with him, Mark tries to get in personal entertainment – frequently watching movies or TV shows that interest him. So if I’m failing, then as a team we are definitely failing.

At only 28 months, River is already saying, “No more work!” and “Please play with me!” He’ll grab me by my two index fingers, lead me over to the bean bag and fall into in. I’m supposed to follow suit. Once I’m situated in the bean bag, he seems to think I’m in place for a while. He’ll go grab some books and we spend time together reading.

Partly, it makes me laugh, because one thing I appreciate about Mark is how he encourages me to slow down and rest sometimes – to not always think about getting things done, as is my nature. Now it seems my son is doing the same thing. But another part of me feels bad. Is he begging for attention because I’m not giving him enough of it? How much is one supposed to give?

How much of the time you spend with your children is actively engaged with them? And how much of are you available, but engaged in something else? Where do you think the balance lies?

Open for betting

Today is the day I’d be willing to wager that I’m pregnant. It started out with a slightly nauseous, slightly want to puke, slightly crampy, slightly gassy feeling in my statistics class, along with some light burping. Perhaps it could just be the subject matter, but it set me wondering. The light burping continued throughout the day, and I recalled from the records of my first pregnancy that burping was one of my very first signs.

In the evening, when my husband rubbed my face, I found the scent of his hand overpowering. I told him it smelled like his food. Soon, the scent of the item wafted in from the kitchen and it was so strong to me I had to know what it was. It was an everything bagel. A suddenly canine-like sense of smell also came with my first pregnancy.

I’m not saying anything to Mark until I’m much more certain than this. While I imagine he has come to accept the idea of a second child, I don’t think he’ll be overjoyed and I don’t want him to stress about it if it’s actually not happening.

But as for me, I think I’m pregnant. And I noticed a few things:
1. Despite it having only a couple of cells at most, I mentally referred to it once as my baby. That’s huge, given that I didn’t even conceive of River as being human until the 25 week 4-d ultrasound. And even then, I didn’t feel much of a bond with him.

2. Because of number 1, I think it would be hard to be pregnant, then lose it.

3. I found it weird, and surreal, to sit in a lecture hall of students, or to sit in a meeting at work, and imagine that a life is starting within me as I go about my daily activities.

4. That I’d find it kind of embarrassing to claim all these potential symptoms, only to find out it’s nothing more than pms. So luckily, I’m way behind on posting my blog and this probably won’t appear until I have a better idea of whether or not there is any substance to it.

5. That I’ve learned to get sleep, and appreciate it, when available. So if I am pregnant, I will take advantage of all possible naps.

Easy

I have great admiration for people who stay at home with babies. I couldn’t do it. I would go mad. I think it’s the constant need to attend to another, without any thanks or gratitude, and with great difficulty in being able to schedule things – like sleep or trips to the store.

But now, all of a sudden, staying home with River doesn’t sound so bad. I would still need a creative outlet and time to pursue that. However, the days would not be long and dreary as before. Now, it’s quite possible they could be fun.

Yesterday was supposed to be family day, but Mark bagged out, needing more personal time. So it was a mommy and River day. And we had a blast. We started out with a 14-mile bike ride. We rode with a group of people that included a 76 year old man, so we took it slow. We spent over three hours enroute, in chilly, windy weather. For the last half of the ride, River had a metal water bottle wedged behind him (which I didn’t realize at the time). Yet he didn’t emit a single complaint, until we were less than a mile from our destination, when he asked to get down. I asked him to wait for one more mile and he did. We identified turtles, ducks, geese and birds, noted flowers, trees and grasses, commented on the canoeists, bikers, runners, walkers and crew regattas. We enjoyed nature, company and exercise together.

Then we joined the bicycle group for a luncheon. River was the youngest person in the room by decades. We both enjoyed a feast, and we both chatted with the others from our ride – a couple of people in their 60s.

From there we headed home. While River napped for over two hours, I got some things done. Mark dressed him and I took him in the car once again – this time to meet friends at an Indian restaurant. They seated us in the back room, where the boys could play. These were the parents of Samuel, River’s best friend. River was so excited to see him, he danced in excitement in advance and sang in the car. When he gave Samuel a hug, it was so intense they both fell to the ground.

My friends brought a great bottle of wine and we enjoyed samosas, naan, spicy shrimp, chicken and goat while the kids largely entertained themselves with a couple of cars.

We stopped at the grocery store on the way home, came home, River went to bed, and the day was over. I had a blast. I didn’t have to change any diapers. I didn’t have to make many special accommodations for him – beyond carrying around his potty and coming home for a nap in the afternoon. I was able to get exercise, socialize, do errands, get stuff done, and really have a fun time with my child. Suddenly, it’s so much easier.

While I want a substantial leave and a flextime work schedule during the first year or so, it’s more in order to breastfeed and in order to not overload myself than it is a desire to spend a lot of time doing childcare. But from this point, 28 months or a bit earlier, I wouldn’t mind spending more time with him. We have a great time together, and I hope we’re creating some early memories, or at least good feelings that will lodge somewhere deep inside him.

Early signs

Though it’s only day 26, there are some preliminary positive signs on my chart that indicate perhaps I could be pregnant. My temperature moved up another notch today. It’s not as large of a jump as happened upon implantation last time. But it’s within the 7-10 day after ovulation timeframe.

I could probably take a pregnancy test and perhaps receive confirmation. But I’d rather figure it out myself. I do like asserting the nominal control I have over the knowledge of my body and it makes me feel good to be able to figure out what is happening with no intervention beyond taking my morning temperature.

If it moves up any more, or stays at this higher level until day 32 (the length of my last cycle) that will appear positive. If it remains there to day 40 or so, I’ll be convinced. Last time the symptoms begin precisely on the day of implantation and within a few days of that, the nausea set in for the long haul. Right now I can’t say I feel any symptoms, other than a slight headache, and being a bit tired. But there are plenty of other potential causes for that – including allergies, work stress and a busy weekend.

I find myself happy with the positive indications. Definitely not excited about the process of pregnancy. Definitely bummed about what my poor stomach would have to endure. Not at all looking forward to not being able to sleep on my side. But glad to have something moving forward in my life.

Interesting discussion

Interesting discussion on the NYT.

Maybe

So, according to my chart, I have ovulated, there was some activity in the period shortly before ovulation, and now I’ve got a week or so to see whether or not there is a spike in temperature that indicates implantation. I picked up a few pregnancy tests from a neighbor via Freecycle, but they are more for Mark’s confirmation than mine. If I see that spike, to me, it’s confirmation of pregnancy. As long as the temperature remains at an elevated level, I know the pregnancy is continuing. If a second pregnancy would be anything like the first, the symptoms came in strong right after implantation, which only confirmed what I learned from my temperature. I’m not one of those people who could be pregnant for a long time and not know it.

This is a weird period of time in which perhaps there is a fertilized egg floating through my body. Perhaps it will settle in and become the start of a person who will impact my life from this point forward. Perhaps it won’t implant and will come out with the menstrual flow, without my ever knowing of its existence. Perhaps there is no fertilized egg at all.

My feelings about it change on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. A week or so ago I think I wished for it not to happen. I didn’t want to be medicated at the time of conception. I wanted to make more of an effort for a girl (if it happens this month, the odds of a boy are fairly good). Then I realized that I would accept it if it happens. And I thought that if this is in our near future, perhaps it’s better to get it over with and not play the waiting game. And my baby is truly a big boy now. He looks at me with the eyes of a real, independent person. I think he’s gotten to the point where he could benefit from a sibling, and I’ve gotten to the point where I could take on a baby again.

Really cool toy

Mark thought it was silly when I drove 20 minutes to go pick up a marble toy (Discovery Toys Super Marbleworks) from someone on Freecycle. But now that we’ve finally brought it out, I’m so glad I did. Not only does River love it, not only does it entertain him for long periods of time, but it requires real thought on how things are put together and how things work. I’ve even improved with a day of playing with it. The tower today is much more interesting than the one I built the first day. River quickly grasped onto how it works and was easy to understand what made the wheel turn and how to add additional pieces.

For River, 27 months seems to be the transition point to a more mature way of thinking and acting. At this point, we’re starting to be able to identify his strengths and his not so strong areas.

Mark and I are in agreement that he does not have the mark of an athlete. I will encourage him to be athletic, but we’re not counting on any sports scholarships here. His throw is not bad and he has the stamina to walk a very long way. But while other kids are bouncing all over the place, he still won’t step down a stair without someone’s hands for support.

On the flip side though, we are noticing skills in his ability to notice and remember details, the desire and ability to figure things out and a calm persistence to do so. He is kind, empathetic and interested in other children, and seems to be attracted to music.

So I’m thinking of looking into music lessons when he is three or so, will continue to focus on the languages as an intellectual challenge and skill, and am always happy to find cool toys like this one that add analytical thought to play.

Hearing my echo

It’s hard to believe that one year ago, River was not speaking much at all. We are now truly at the stage of two way communication, and it’s so pleasant.

One of the best surprises has been the word “Si,” (yes). We heard only no for so very long. He wasn’t entirely oppositional, but if we suggested something he liked, instead of Si he would say “Okay.”

“Do you want water?”

“OK water!”

Now that si has appeared, it rings beautiful and clear in my ear, full of happiness and agreement and unity.

Today I asked him if he wanted to play with the marble toy. “Si, si mi amor,” he said (yes, yes my love). I had to refrain from laughing as it was just like listening to myself. The si was new as was the “mi amor,” which I say to him all the time.

It just reminds me how much we do serve as models for him. And I was pleasantly surprised to hear my echo in such a positive light. I suppose kids who are frequently yelled at and put down reach a point at which they begin to repeat that back. His echo is happiness and light. It makes me proud and grateful.

Weird stuff

I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant. We haven’t gotten to the part of actually trying. Though we are in the realm of a surprise being possible. Which partially makes me happy. But mostly makes me feel guilty, since I’m loaded up on antibiotics and Mark is taking a medication. Before a planned try, I’d rather eliminate the drugs in our system. But if it happens, it happens.

Anyway, for someone who doesn’t quite want to be pregnant yet, I’m doing weird things. Like looking online at maternity clothes and coming seriously close to buying some. Like looking up baby names. Like taking a breast pump that was offered on freecycle.

The kind of things that I’m going to feel really stupid about if I end up not being able to get pregnant. Though so far, I’ve still (barely) refrained from actual purchases, which I think would be the most regrettable thing to do. For now, I’m just wasting time when I could and should be doing something more productive. Transitioning myself, perhaps, into the mind of a woman ready for a number two.

On the more positive sign side, I do think that River now, at 28 months, is probably ready to handle a sibling. I think it would have been hard to predict that in advance, to count backward to 28 minus 9 to time a second sibling for when it would affect him less. I’m still glad we didn’t because even if he’s ready now, I’m not necessarily ready for two at this moment. But I’m getting to where I could make myself ready nine months from now. River is becoming a little man, independent and engaged with the world and other children. I think even now he might appreciate another playmate. By the time he’s three, hopefully he’ll both welcome a new playmate and have enough going on his life to not fully feel the effects of no longer being the sole recipient of parental attention.

Easter confusion

In trying to decide which holidays to celebrate with my child and how to do so, I’m admittedly confused about Easter.

I had no problem crossing Christmas off our holiday list and substituting it with New Years. It’s not religiously significant to me and while the idea of Santa is fun, the excess materialism it has engendered isn’t something I want to support. I want more of a focus on family and good times and a few special gifts rather than a giant pile.

Easter has similar issues. It’s not religiously significant to us. One could argue it’s a waste of money. Mark doesn’t like promoting make believe things. But I used to find it so fun to follow the bunny tracks outside my door to a basket. I loved it.

I called my mom to see if she was sending a basket, the way my grandparents did when I was a child. If the basket came from grandma, who believes in Easter, that would be a good way to continue the holiday, the same way we celebrate Christmas when we are at grandma’s house. But no, she didn’t get around to making him a basket.

Great grandma sent $7. Should I put that toward a couple plastic eggs filled with surprises instead of toward the college fund, where cash gifts usually wind up? Will he appreciate the fun and excitement more than he’ll appreciate the few extra dollars with two decades of compounding?

How do I rationalize the holiday? One day per year when a bunny drops by for the heck of it? For what purpose? Or do I just skip it, and continue to feel nostalgia passing by chocolate eggs, bunnies and jelly beans?